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Thursday, June 22, 2017

The Bachmann Diaries: Comedy Makes Liberals Violent

Dear Diary,

Last week, a crazed liberal went on a shooting spree during GOP baseball practice. This loony lefty almost killed my dear friend and fellow Klan member Steve Scalise. Luckily, there were many patriotically armed Americans there, and the traitorous assassin was killed.

Liberals always claim they're the party of love and peace and acceptance, Diary, but it's becoming more and more clear that liberals are really violent. Remember all those homos who attacked Marcus with glitter? That was awful! I used to get attacked every day when I was in Congress by liberals who thought I was evil for believing bullying is just a part of life. I would go on Fox, and Sean Hannity and I would commiserate about how often we were called names or made fun of. It was hurtful, and no one should have to put up with that.

But Donald Trump's presidency has brought out the hate and violence of the left. I don't recall one time when a conservative threatened Obama, or called him names, or threatened to impeach him, or made fun of his wife or children. That's happening every day to President Trump, and frankly, it's disgusting. We may not have liked Obama, or agreed with him, or approved of his skin color socialist beliefs, but no one ever threatened to kill him.

I blame a lot of things for violent liberals, but mostly comedians. There's this colored black guy on The Daily Show, and he's so mean! And that awful Samantha Bee, who just swears a lot and wears yoga pants. John Oliver, who's not even an American, just went after President Trump's promise to bring back coal jobs, and he had a giant squirrel come out and insult one of the greatest men in the country, Bob Murray. Bob's suing that squirrel, and I for one am thrilled.

There is nothing funny about making fun of the president when he's a white conservative. The presidency is a sacred trust between rich people and the president, and it's very important. Not just anyone can be elected president; it has to be someone who's smart and Christian and who wants to blow up the Middle East except for Israel, and bring about the End Times. Yes, President Trump is not a career politician, no, he doesn't really know what he's doing, yes, he's sort of stupid, but he's better than Obummer! And he is leaps and bounds better than that old Jewish guy or Hillary Clinton.

Diary, Marcus and I have been Skyping! Marcus is in Fort Lauderdale, praying over a dance troupe called EXXXOTIC. Isn't that a neat name? I guess the troupe is all male, and some of them think they are homosexual. Marcus flew down when one of the dancers, a very nice young man named Lucky, called him in the middle of the night, high on the pot. Marcus has been gone a few days, but we spend every night chatting on the computer. Last night, Marcus kept squirming in his chair, and after about 5 minutes, his eyes rolled back, and he let out a weird sort of "whooping" sound. Then I saw the top of someone's head come up around Marcus's lap. Marcus told me the maid had dropped her contact lens, and he was helping her find it. He's so sweet.

One of things Marcus and I are discussing is me running for president in 2020. My feeling is, if a washed up, orange skinned, serial adulterer and liar man who's never held public office before can get elected, why can't I?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Michele

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