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Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Liberal Purity Test

Since news broke (thanks Fox Business!) that President Obama has agreed to give a speech in September for which he will be paid $400 thousand, many liberals have, for lack of a better phrase, lost their freaking minds. Heady, philosophical comments litter social media, written by Pure Liberals. Yes, Pure Liberals are an actual thing, it turns out, and they have very specific requirements for other liberals.

Are you a Pure Liberal? Do you spend sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, wondering if you're liberal enough? Wonder no more! Answer the following questions, add up your score, and you will know for certain if you can call yourself a liberal.

Grab a piece of paper, or a Post-It, and something to write with, and let's get down to the business of discovering just how liberal you really are.

Question 1:

Do you own a home?

1) No
2) Yes
3) More than one
4) More than two
5) Can I call estates homes?

Question 2:

Do you have a job?

1) No
2) Yes, part-time work for someone else
3) Yes, full-time work for someone else
4) Yes, I own a company/multiple companies
5) Is sailing about on my yacht considered a job?

Do you own a car?

1) No
2) Yes, but it's pretty old
3) Yes, but I owe money on it
4) I own several
5) I own so many cars, my garage is larger than your house

Do you own jewelry?

1) A friendship bracelet I made in camp when I was 12, and a brass pinky ring
2) Yes, but it's mostly paste
3) Yes, I have a few nice pieces I inherited from my mom
4) I have a safety deposit box for my jewelry
5) I have a vault in my home for my jewelry

Do you own stock?

1) God no
2) I have a 401k through work, is that stock?
3) What's a mutual fund again?
4) A bit, but no blue chips
5) I make TD Ameritrade my bitch

Are you white?

1) Yes, but I am deeply ashamed of that and sign lots of Change dot org petitions
2) Yes, sadly
3) No
4) Yes, but I recognize my own white privilege, and listen to people of color
5) Yes, but I've been to Black Lives Matter protests, and I listen to people of color

Are you cis?

1) No
2) Yes
3) What?
4) Is that Latin?
5) Yes, but I understand many people are not, and am learning more about that

Have you ever had an abortion?

1) Yes
2) No
3) No, I'm a man
4) No, I've never been in a situation where I had to make that choice
5) I could not get an abortion, but I support a woman's right to choose

Who did you vote for in 2016?

1) I wrote in Bernie Sanders
2) Jill Stein
3) I didn't vote because ILLUMINATI
4) Donald Trump
5) Hillary Clinton

Do you find President Obama's reported $400 thousand speaking fee offensive?

1) Deeply offensive, morally repugnant, there are children starving to death, shame on him
2) He's black, shouldn't he remember that?
3) If Wall Street can cough up that kind of money, why shouldn't Obama take it?
4) That's the dumbest question on this thing, and there are a lot of dumb questions on this thing
5) Oh my sweet Jesus, who cares?

And done! Now, let's add up your score. Here's the key:

1=1 point
2=2 points
3=3 points
4=4 points
5=5 points

A score of 10 is what we're aiming for here; anything higher than that, you're not a liberal.

Is this a sarcastic test? Sort of. But sarcasm is the only way to deal with Pure Liberals. Jonathan Odell, nationally-renowned author, wrote "Obama is a sellout because he doesn't eat vegan and make his own shoes from tree bark." Trevor Noah went on a wee tirade on the Daily Show, and pretty much summed it up perfectly.

Then there's this fantastic, amazing article, so fantastic and amazing, I want to take it to dinner.

And of course, Pure Liberals are ignoring some key information about the company that wants to pay President Obama $400 thousand: Cantor Fitzgerald. Does that name ring a bell? It should. On September 11, one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center flew pretty much directly into Cantor Fitzgerald. The CEO was running late that day; he took his kid to kindergarten. So he spent the next five years giving the families of his employees who died that awful day 25% of Cantor Fitzgerald profits, and the next ten years paying their insurance. Yeah, he's a real piece of shit isn't he.

You know who else gets paid to give speeches? Cornel West. Granted, he's not being offered $400 thousand, but $30-$50 thousand is still more than a lot of folks make in a year. I don't recall Pure Liberals losing their shit on Facebook over Dr. West's speaking fees, do you?

It seems it's alright for a black man to get paid for his work, as long as he's getting paid an amount that doesn't offend white people.


  1. You are on it again... Awesome..

  2. BAM! Ding, ding, ding, give that lady a big plush stuffed animal of her choice (as long as it's made in the US of A by unionized workers and contains no hazardous materials)!!!