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Monday, October 10, 2016

Alex Jones believes Hillary Clinton is a demon

Image of Alex Jones from Esquire

Alex Jones went on a verifiable rant during his cable show earlier today about Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and President Obama. During the rant, Jones said Hillary Clinton and President Obama are both demons. Actual demons.

Let me ask you a question. If you were walking down the sidewalk, and happened upon a man standing in a doorway, or sitting on a stoop, who said what Alex Jones said, what would your reaction be? Would you say "Hey! We need to get you a show, and make sure you rake in the cash, buddy!" Or would you be more likely to wonder if the man needed help, if he was okay, if there was a way to get him to a doctor?

What if the man said juice boxes make our kids gay? Or talked about "secret documents" only he had ever seen? Or screamed at the tops of his lungs that we needed another revolution, and the government had secret camps, and a weather machine? Would you take what he said to heart? Would Donald Trump call that man a friend, and an ally?

It has long been a theory of mine that Alex Jones is schizophrenic. He has auditory and visual hallucinations, he believes in things that are not real, he claims important people within the government tell him secrets. When his delusions are challenged, Jones often becomes enraged, or he will blame a global conspiracy. He believes government officials are trying to kill him.

Which is why it is so difficult to write about Alex Jones. On the one hand, he is obviously very troubled, and seems to meet much of the criteria for schizophrenia. On the other hand, Jones is a public figure, with tens of thousands of people who believe whatever comes out of his mouth. Donald Trump considers Jones a friend, and someone he wants to impress.

Do we try and feel empathy for Jones, given that he obviously has some sort of mental health issue, or do we mock his bizarre conspiracy theories? Are there people who really believe what he says, who believe that Hillary Clinton and President Obama are actual demons? Here are some comments from his Facebook page:

Debbie Armento NOT a good sign! IN the bible .....Beelzebub or Beel-Zebub (/biːˈɛlzᵻbʌb/ bee-EL-zə-bub or /ˈbiːlzᵻbʌb/ BEEL-zə-bub; Hebrew: בַּעַל זְבוּב‎‎, Baʿal Zəvûv; Arabic: بعل الذباب‎‎, Ba‘al adh-dhabâb) is a name of a demon. In Christian and Biblical sources, Beelzebub is another name for the devil.[1] In Christian demonology, he is one of the seven princes of Hell according to Catholic views on Hell. The Dictionnaire Infernal describes Beelzebub as a demonic fly who is also known as the "Lord of the Flies". The god of the Philistine city of Ekron, a Canaanite god.[2]

Claire Burkus Beelzebub......satan ....lord of the flies.....also landed on Obama.....New York honors Arch from temple of Baal....Baal..worship was child sacrifice, temple prostitutes, priests having relations with evil.....exActly who this family worships today..... such a sign from God on national TV!!!!!!!!
There are many more, hundreds and hundreds, most of which agree with Alex Jones and his conspiracy theories.

Is Alex Jones a schizophrenic, or has he simply discovered a way to make money and get attention? Should we view him with empathy, or with disdain? If you watch the video, it certainly appears Alex Jones believes Hillary Clinton and President Obama are demons. He references anonymous sources in government who have told him both Clinton and Obama smell like sulfur. At least some of Jones' fans agree with him, and are now convinced the President of the United States and the Democratic candidate are actual demons from hell.

Honestly, I prefer my demons with a side of Sam and Dean.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Why Donald Trump Isn't Prepping for Sunday's Debate

Donald Trump is prepping for Sunday's presidential debate the same way he prepped for the first one: not at all. He held a "town hall" in New Hampshire last night, but his campaign swears that town hall had absolutely nothing to do with the town hall-style debate on Sunday. From reports on the "whatever it was" Thursday, Donald's campaign told the truth: it had nothing to do with Sunday. Or being president. Or even running for president, which is the thought that bombarded my brain about fifteen minutes ago.

There are two possible explanations for Donald Trump's cavalier attitude about the presidential debates. In order to understand the first one, let's take a look at one of Donald's most famous statements during the election:

He's right. Donald Trump could shoot someone, and his fans/minions/pet white supremacists/MRAs would still love and support him.

Which means Donald can do anything on Sunday-show up nude, set a kitten on fire, call Hillary Clinton names, flip off the cameras, anything-and his supporters will declare him the winner. He doesn't have to work for this; his supporters adore him no matter what.

The second explanation is a bit more, well, disturbing, at least for the country. What if this is a "Here, hold my beer a sec" moment, just dragged out over an entire election? Like some idiot at a barbecue who says "Here, hold my beer a sec, I want to ride my bike off a roof."

This might be the longest episode of "Jackass" ever. The problem is it's not the actual show. Steve-O stapled his scrotum to his own thigh, but the rest of the country didn't feel the pain. Johnny Knoxville got hit in the nuts with a sledgehammer, but he didn't make the rest of us do it. In Donald Trump's case, he may be having a "stick a sparkler in between my butt cheeks and light it, dude" moment, but it's everyone in the U.S. who will catch on fire.

My prediction for Sunday's debate: Donald Trump will show up with nothing but insults, rhetoric, and bullshit, while Hillary Clinton will offer details, policies, and ideas to help our country. Conservative media will declare Donald the winner, normal people will declare Hillary the winner.

And on Monday, the people who watched Donald Trump metaphorically staple his scrotum to your  thigh will ask others to speak a bit more softly, drink quite a lot of coffee, and rock back and forth in their office chairs, silently weeping.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Introducing The Trump Translator!

Do you try to listen to Donald Trump? Are you often confused by the words coming out of his mouth? Have you noticed your eye twitching uncontrollably while attempting to decipher Donald's speeches? Have you begun muttering in your sleep, or suddenly running outside to yell at the sky?

Well, we here at MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) Institute have created The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) just for you. Combining ancient Mayan technology, copious amounts of alcohol, cockroach DNA, and musings from my cat, The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) allows the average viewer or listener to painlessly* decipher anything Donald Trump says.

Here are some real Americans talking about how The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) recently helped them:

I watched the first part of the debate without The Trump Translator™ (patent pending), and I thought Donald was winning. When I turned it on, I was shocked to learn that the guy I had been supporting was a sexist creep and a bully, who knows nothing about the world. I thank God for The Trump Translator™ (patent pending); without it, I might have actually voted for this numbskull! Amy F.

Thank you, MAD Institute, for The Trump Translator™ (patent pending)! My wife has been driving me batshit insane with her support of Donald Trump. I've tried to explain that he hates women, and wants to date his own daughter, but all she can say is 'He's gonna save us from the Mexicans.' Well, I hooked her up to the translator, and within 15 minutes, she was staring at the teevee, shocked that Donald was up at 3 AM, attacking some poor girl on Twitter. MAD Institute, you saved my marriage! Hank B.

The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) works by removing the DWN (Dog Whistle Neurons) from your brain, thus allowing you to hear actual words. For example, when Donald Trump says "inner city," The Trump Translator™ (patent pending) automatically translates that into "black people are scary." When Donald says "I love the bible," TTT™ (patent pending) will immediately reveal what he really means: "I've never read it but I need right wing Christians to vote for me."

And now that Donald has decided to go after Hillary Clinton by focusing on her husband's infidelity, The Trump Translator™ (I don't want to type patent pending anymore) will be working overtime. If Donald mentions Gennifer Flowers, TTT™ will helpfully remind you that Donald cheated on Ivana with Marla Maples. If Donald brings up Monica Lewinsky, TTT™ will gently point out Donald Trump pleaded the 5th over 90 times to avoid answering questions about his own adultery.

MAD Institute is extraordinarily proud of The Trump Translator™, and cannot wait to make it available to the public. Unfortunately, we've run into a bit of a problem. In order for TTT™ to work, it needs to be hooked up to a human brain. And to do that, scientists here at MAD (aka my husband) need to drill a hole in your head, remove part of your frontal lobe, insert a highly classified and very complicated metal plate with stuff welded to it, and then hook the TTT™ to that plate. So far, we've only found 3 people willing to do that.

We here at MAD Institute are hopeful that we can streamline** the interface process, and submit The Trump Translator™ to the FDA, or the FCC, or the DEA, or the FBI, or one of those other government agencies with letters within the year. You're probably thinking "But if Donald loses, we won't need The Trump Translator™!" Oh you dear, sweet, naïve, creature. He's not going down without a fight, and he's never, ever going away. Not after this. Not after bringing together the alt-right, insulting the Pope, women, the LGBT community, African Americans, Muslims, Mexicans, not after starting then "ending" the birther movement, and not after getting so close to nuking Europe.

We will be stuck with Donald Trump after November 8, so we might as well be able to understand the things he says. And with The Trump Translator™, you can! Watch this site for more information, including how conservatives can participate in our next round of testing.

*Painless is not actually...okay, it...look, this is Donald Trump. Just watching him on television without hearing him is offensive. We'll try-we can give you laughing gas, or a pitcher of martinis, or Xanax, but we can't really guarantee it will be painless.

**Our next step is to coerce an actual conservative into a van, using promises of candy and Sean Hannity's phone number, then use The Trump Translator™ to remove their DWN. We just need more duct tape.