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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Louie Gohmert's Going Greek

Ladies and gentlemen, Louie Gohmert has figured it all out. Why we have to bring back DADT, why we cannot have LGBT in the military, and why I need a spa day. Yes, it's the Greeks. No, not the Geeks, the Greeks. As in Trojans. No, not the condoms.

According to Louie, Greeks got gay massages before battle, which made them weak against ISIS. What is a gay massage? I mean, I've gotten a massage from a female masseuse; was that a gay massage? Do gay massages take place in the way-back room of a bar called The Saloon? Has Louie Louie had a gay massage? With Marcus "Totally Straight" Bachmann?

This of course also begs the question: Are ISIS illegal immigrants, pregnant with terror babies, and infected with Ebola, coming to our shores to give gay massages, and thus destroy this country? Honestly, if you close one eye, you can hear Dear Louie starting down that path.

Lest anyone think I am casting aspersions on Louie's asparagus, perish the thought. I love asparagus. I am casting aspersions on Louie Gohmert, because I think he's really and truly insane. He believes the fetid shit that falls from his lips, and the fringe that is now the GOP thinks he's fab.

Please enjoy (?) the video; I have to go buy crab legs with food stamps.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Bachmann Diaries: Operation Savior

Dear Diary,

After a long talk Saturday night, and a pitcher of Drambouie, Marcus and I have decided to look into our options if the liberals get their way, and I am indicted. I think this is a huge waste of time, since I didn't do anything wrong, but Marcus is the man of the house, and whatever he says goes.

Marcus went online, and after a lot of research, discovered a way for us to do a couple of really neat things. We can change our identity, get plastic surgery (because given how gorgeous I am, how famous I am all over the world, and how handsome Marcus is, we would need to look completely different), and hire a hitman, and we can pay for all of it with game tokens! They're called Bit Coins, and Marcus and I are pretty sure those are the little fake coins kids use at Chuck E Cheese. So, Sunday at about 3 AM, we broke into a Chuck E Cheese in Blaine, and stole 10 boxes of Bit Coins.

In order to buy all these things, Marcus had to download something called TOR. TOR stands for The Onion Router, and according to what I've seen so far, it makes absolutely no sense. None of the websites are dot com, or dot org, or dot gov-they're all dot onion. I thought it was all about cooking at first, until Marcus explained it to me.

This turns out to be the Deep Web. According to information Marcus got from our former pool boy, the Deep Web has lots of websites you can't find using the Google. You can't just type in "find a hitman to kill a DOJ lawyer" on the normal internet, but on the Deep Web, you can. And you'll find one! Marcus found at least 6 people who will kill someone for those Bit Coin game tokens. I had no idea game tokens were so popular.

You can buy a social security card, which explains how all those illegals are able to steal white people's American jobs. I mean, most of them probably work at places like Chuck E Cheese, so of course, they would have unlimited access to Bit Coins. We will be buying new identities to protect ourselves from the horrible liberals in Obummer's DOJ, not to steal high-paying jobs from patriots.

Diary, this is obviously an attempt to keep me from becoming Queen of Godlandia, but Marcus really thinks we should be prepared, just in case. I am not going to a FEMA death camp, and you and I both know that's exactly what will happen if the stupid liberals get their way. And Marcus couldn't survive without me. Oh, he'd have all his male model clients, but would they wax his back? I don't think so.

I spent a few hours searching the Deep Web this morning. I found some pretty neat stuff, including a pair of shoes made out of tiger fur, and a purse accessorized with something called "conflict diamonds." When I asked Marcus what those were, he told me they were diamonds from a Christian mine in South Africa, owned by our very own Pat Robertson! They're called "conflict diamonds" because Pat is always fighting with horrible African Muslims who want to take over his Christian mine, and turn it into a training camp for ISIS.

There are some scary sites on the Deep Web, too. You can buy people, which I guess isn't so bad, if you're looking for domestic help, but I think you can buy children. Again, okay for help around the house, just not okay for you know. That's kind of creepy. Lots and lots of PORN sites, which is disgusting. I never look at porn, and neither does Marcus. Those videos he gets from Germany are educational only.

We still haven't chosen our hypothetical destination. I want to go somewhere warm, with a limited government, lots of poor people I can rule over, and tons of guns. Marcus wants to go to Greece. Greece. Yes, it's warm, but it's all socialists and HOMOS. I mean, GREECE is pretty much the gayest place in the world, other than San Francisco. When I brought that up, Marcus revealed something about himself I never knew, never would have even guessed, but it makes so much sense. He told me he has a dream of converting every HOMO man to being normal, and finding them all a wife as perfect as I am. I'll admit it, I teared up. I was just glad he didn't tell me he was gay.

Back to the TOR. We've found everything we need, except we're having some trouble getting addresses so we can mail out the Bit Coins. I get that it's the Deep Web, but how do these people expect to get paid?

Hugs and kisses-Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia (or Somalia)

Monday, October 6, 2014

Todd Kincannon's newest Twitter horror-fest

Todd Kincannon's Twitter response to the UCSB killings

Oh Todd Kincannon. Once upon a time, your mother held you to her chest, and murmured sweet words into your tiny ears. You marveled at the stars, you laughed at dandelion fuzz, you were innocent and filled with love and joy. Then...well, no one knows what happened except you, but you became an angry man, filled with hate and derision. Now the name Todd Kincannon brings with it a sense of disbelief, and a feeling of shame for having read anything you write or speak, or even think.

I tackled Todd Kincannon (not literally) in an article entitled "Former GOP director Todd Kincannon's Twitter feed is the most awful thing ever." Some C-list actor named Nick Searcy, who is a huge fan of Kincannon, took issue with the entire article, because as we should all know, Todd's just trying to be "funny." When he wrote awful things about Trayvon Martin, he was trying to be funny. When Todd wrote Wendy Davis was born with a "silver dick" in her mouth, he was trying to be funny. When Todd wrote that all transgender people should be locked away in mental hospitals, he was trying to be funny. Geez, you people (thanks, Queen Ann Romney), dontcha have a sense of humor?

Except he's not funny. He's mean, and cruel, and heartless, and ignorant, and pretty much just a horrible person. Case in point: Todd's most recent Twitter comments on Ebola. Take a deep breath.

As my friend Jackie so eloquently stated: "Ok now that's friggin' ridiculous. The 'rabid pro-lifer' wants to euthanize sick people? SMH."  In Todd Kincannon's hate-filled world, the only way to deal with Ebola is to A) "humanely" put patients down, B) "Napalm" villages (I assume he means Texas?), and C) "immediate humane execution."

You know what this all sounds like? The movie "Outbreak." Dustin Hoffman plays a scientist/Army officer with longer hair than any Army officer I know, working for USAMRID. Morgan Freeman plays his boss, and Donald Sutherland plays Morgan Freeman's boss. Kevin Spacey might die; he gets sick, then we never see him again. And there's a scene in the beginning of the film where an entire African village is bombed to contain/keep a horrible virus a secret. 

Someone needs to tell Todd Kincannon that "Outbreak" was fiction. Not real. You can't actually murder people who are ill, or slaughter entire villages because they might be a hot zone. As for his "strong transmission vector" idiocy, those problems arise in Africa, not here. In the United States, we have people specially trained to care for Ebola patients, scientists and physicians who understand what to do, and what not to do. But I don't think Todd Kincannon wants to kill Americans, I think he wants to kill Africans. Because among all the other horrible things Todd Kincannon is, he's also a racist.

Ebola is scary. Not as scary as smallpox, however. There are only two places we know of that have samples of smallpox: The CDC here in the U.S., and the State Research Centre of Virology and Biotechnology in Russia. I'm reading a book, "The Demon in the Freezer," by Richard Preston. It details the eradication of smallpox, and posits that there could very well be countries working on bio-terrorism using smallpox. Remember, a few countries never signed the ban against bio-weapons.

Todd Kincannon is a horrible person, on that many can agree. His fans tend to do interesting things when someone takes Todd to the proverbial woodshed, like hack Twitter accounts, stalk, harass, and use language that would make a merchant marine say "Hey now, none of that." Which makes perfect sense. Who else defends a bully and a hate monger, whose latest Tweet fest calls for murder, but other bullies and hate mongers?

If you want to keep up with actual information about Ebola, follow the CDC on Facebook. I wouldn't suggest following Todd Kincannon on Twitter, unless you have a very strong stomach.

H/T to writer and artist Jim Wright, for the screenshot of Kincannon's comments.