Creative Commons License

Saturday, September 28, 2013

The Bachmann Diaries: Wolf Blitzer is a BULLY



Dear Diary,

Against my better judgment, I appeared on CNN with that horrible mean man Wolf Blitzer. He looks so nice-sort of like Grizzly Adams-but underneath the white beard and hair lies a heart of darkness. From now on, I'm just going on Fox. They're my friends, they let me lie talk and they always tell me how pretty I am.

I went on to talk about Obamacare and how it will kill hundreds of millions of Americans by forcing them to buy health insurance. Obummer had made fun of ME in a speech when I told the American people that this Nazi, socialist, communist Satanic bill would literally kill women, children and old people. Oh ha ha. Asshole liberal fascist. It WILL! You know what it is, really? Eugenics.

Think about it, Diary. Old women who need new hips won't be able to get that surgery and will die alone in their tiny studio apartments, surrounded by cats and dead African violet plants. Is your kid retarded? Oh well, Nazi Obama will kill him. KILL HIM. With a gun he's confiscated from a real American. Remember that vaccine against sherpas? The one that turned that poor woman's daughter into a vegetable? MANDATORY. Abortion? MANDATORY Covered under Nazicare.

And I had all this ready to go, but Bully Blitzer kept asking me these stupid questions like isn't it a good thing that kids can stay on their parents' insurance plans until they're 26? NO. It's a horrible idea. Young people today are being taught to mooch off their folks, their government, heck everyone. They all want scholarships and lower tuition for college and good-paying jobs. You know what the youth of America need? Not free school and free health care. They need mandatory military service. Like the Jews they do in Israel. That'll whip these whiners into shape.

Don't get me started on the poor. Poor my Aunt Fanny. They have their free Obamaphones and cars and microwaves and refrigerators and shoes. I WAS POOR. I couldn't even afford highlights until I was almost 20. I've never taken one dime from the government that I didn't deserve. Yes, my family received farm subsidies, but we were FARMERS. That's different than getting free crap just because you're lazy. And we totally deserved the money for our 641 809 31 foster girls because they were all bulimic and the dry-cleaning bills were astronomical.

I don't have free health care, and I'm a white, conservative Christian! My health care is paid for by well I don't really know, but something comes out of my paycheck every month. Do I even get a paycheck? Money just appears in our high interest checking account, I've never really understood where it comes from. Anywho, you know who Nazicare really helps? Illegal Mexicans. Have you been laid off? I'll betcha that if you go back to your former employer, your job is now being done by someone named Jose or Esperanza.

OH AND Nazicare is going to destroy unions. Although I'm not sure why that's a bad thing except unions make cars and we want a new Cadillac. Marcus loves unions. Every year he buys the firemen's calendar and the policemen's calendar. One year he even bought one of lifeguards. He's so giving!

Obviously I can never go back on CNN again. They refuse to see the truth. Thank God above that David Koch sent me those meditation tapes or I wouldn't understand the true destruction of Nazicare either. Davey told me to sit in a dark room with my eyes closed and listen to his special tapes through headphones. I usually don't remember anything when the tape ends, but I always feel smarter.

If people can't afford health insurance, that's only because they're too lazy to go out and get a job. Granted, most of the jobs are being stolen by illegal Mexicans, but I know for a FACT that McDonald's is hiring. I also agree with Newt Gingrich's idea-stolen from me-that children need to work for a living. Then they can afford their own health insurance, stop mooching off their parents and learn the value of a dollar. All our foster children worked. When they weren't throwing up or crying.

Diary, I wonder what would happen if I ran for Queen of Godlandia again. I really think real Americans (white, conservative, Christian) are tired of this Kenyan Marxist in the WHITE House. I think I'd have a shot, I really do. Then the country could get back to the way it's supposed to be: armed snipers at the border, no abortion, no birth control, God in schools and no more liberal colleges. The poor would have 30 days to find a job or be relocated to China and all the HOMOS would be cured. Marcus could expand his clinics. He'd be a chain!

Time for a vitamin drink and another meditation tape. Never again, Wolf Blitzer, you big bully. Never again.

Love-The Future Queen of Godlandia xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Friday, September 27, 2013

Words hurt, Mr. Barilla.

Image from Google


Dear Guido Barilla,

I wish Samantha Johnson could address you today. Or Jamey Rodemeyer. Or Justin Aaberg. They can't Mr. Barilla, because they were bullied to death. 

To many, your comments aren't that big a deal. Oh, he doesn't like gays, so what, just eat a different pasta. Some are calling for a boycott of your product and company while still others are sharing petitions to grocery store chains, asking for Barilla pastas and sauces to be removed from their shelves. Me? I want to point out why your comments matter, and why they are dangerous.

Mr. Barilla, here in America we have many politicians and pundits in our conservative party who feel the same way about LGBTs as you do. They think they're unnatural, shouldn't be able to adopt and don't want to give them the same rights heterosexual married couples enjoy. Some take their hate and bigotry a step or two further. Perhaps you've heard of Michele Bachmann. She has called homosexuality a lifestyle of "bondage," and equates it with Satan. Her husband runs a "reparative clinic" in Minnesota, where he "counsels" gay men and women on how to become straight. Bryan Fischer, a popular right wing Christian radio host frequently tells his audience that all the Nazi storm troopers were homosexual because they were and are so vicious. 

Did you go that far? No. However, Mr. Barilla, your language struck a sour note with many in the LGBT community. You see sir, we lose children too often to suicide because of words thrown at them as surely as if people were throwing stones. Sharp, hateful, frightening words, meant to demean them, demonize them and destroy them. And much too often those words kill.

Here is a partial list of children about the same age as my son who will never graduate from high school, never attend college, never grow up because someone who thinks a lot like you decided to use words to cut and slice and harm until there was nothing left. Some of these young people were gay, some were perceived to be gay and some were just "different." 


Samantha Johnson, age 13. The Anoka, MN middle school student shot herself in the head in 2009.
Justin Aaberg, age 15. After finishing his freshman year at Anoka High School, he hung himself in July of 2010.
Lance Lundsten, age 18. Overdosed, and later died in the hospital in March of 2011.
T.J. Hayes, age 16. The Blaine, MN high school student took his own life in 2009
Jordan Yenor, age 14. The Northdale Middle School student took his own life in 2011.
Asher Brown, age 14. The teen from Houston, Texas shot himself in the head in 2010.
Damilola Taylor, age 10. Stabbed to death with broken bottle pieces in Nigeria, killers each received 8 years, both were 12 years old. Murder was recorded by surveillance camera.
Myles Neuts, age 10. In 1998, two bullies hung Myles from a coat hanger and watched him until another student finally reported them. Myles died six days later. The murder occurred in Canada, the two people responsible for Myles’s death have never been charged.
Brandon Swartwood, age 18. Brandon developed PTSD due to the bullying and harassment he suffered, and in December, 2000, he shot himself in the head.
Jared High, age 12. After months of systematic bullying, physical assaults and harassment, Jared took his own life in September of 1998.
Jamey Rodemeyer, age 14. After making a video for the “It Gets Better” campaign, Jamey took his own life in September of 2011.
Jamie Hubley, age 15. Bullied and harassed for being gay, Jamie took his own life in 2011.
Jadin Bell, age 15. Jadin hung himself at a local elementary school playground earlier this year. He survived on life support until February 3rd.
There are more, Mr. Barilla, many more teenagers and young adults who hear that they are "less than" every single day of their lives. These are dead children. Tombstones instead of report cards, flowers on a grave instead of corsages for prom. Empty chairs at the kitchen table instead of laughter and joy. Parents who will never fully recover. 
Words hurt, Mr. Barilla. More than you will ever know.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Mitt and Ann welcome 22nd grandchild but no one Googled his name

Image from Google

Mitt Romney shared a photo via Twitter Friday of his brand new grandson. And is he a cutie! He's already smiling, his cheeks are chubby and you just want to smooch his little face. While rescuing him from the Romney family. Although, perhaps somewhere in his baby brain, this kid is thinking "I'm in like Flint. Great clothes, prep school, the best colleges, a car elevator, dancing horse, more than one house, HELLO!" 

The newest Romney is also adopted. This is made glaringly obvious in the photo above. What I find most amazing is that no one bothered to use The Google to discover the meaning of the name Kieran. If a staff member was assigned this task, they failed miserably and should be forced to ride in a kennel strapped to the top of a Bentley for 12 hours. 

Let me Google that for the Romney family. Kieran is a name of Celtic origin, lyrical and poetic. It is not a very popular name in America, which is where the problem may have arisen. My guess is a Romney saw the name somewhere, thought it would work well in prep school and wham, bam, thank you ma'am, the family whose reunion photos look like a 1950's ad for Colgate toothpaste gave their brand new African American baby a name that means black.

No, I'm not kidding. Thinkbabynames.com says this about the name Kieran:

Kieran as a boy's name is pronounced KEER-en. It is of Irish and Gaelic origin, and the meaning of Kieran is "black."

Then there's Babynames.com with their own take:

The meaning of the name Kieran is Dark

Finally, BabynamesofIreland (they'd know, because they're IRISH) says:

MEANINGciar ”"dark”" and the diminutive -in it means “”little dark one.”"

So in the entire Romney family, not one single person used The Google to check on this little-used boy's name and seeing that it meant "black," "dark," and "little dark one," frantically called Grandpa Mittens, screaming "OH MY GOD WE CANNOT NAME THE BABY THAT!"

The whitest family in America adopted an African American baby, and out of billions of names, they haphazardly picked one that means "little dark one." Alrighty then. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

When tragedy hits close to home



On September 25th, 1978, a Cessna collided in midair with a Boeing 727 over San Diego, California. I was sitting in class at St. Patrick's elementary school when we heard a huge explosion. Out of the window to the left we could see a plume of smoke billowing into the air and our principal came over the loudspeaker to tell us what had happened. We were in shock, then we realized that the planes had crashed right over most of our houses. 

Many of our moms tried to get to St. Pat's, but the police had shut down North Park. When we all finally made it back home, the local news outlets were showing the passenger manifest of the 727 in the hopes that someone would recognize a name and contact the authorities. No one on the jet survived and the two people on the Cessna also perished along with seven people on the ground, including two children. None of us to my knowledge ever found out who those two kids were.

The high school next to our house, St. Augustine's, was used as a temporary morgue, and as I sat on the front porch I watched ambulances and what I later learned were cars from the coroner's office go in and out of the parking lot. We were experiencing a Santa Ana, so the memory of that horrible evening is accompanied by remembrances of intense heat and wind. As I grew up, I often compared that night to being in Hell.

Today a man opened fire at the Washington Navy Yard, killing at least thirteen people. My husband visited that Navy yard when he worked for a defense contractor, and my father had an office a few blocks away. My dad knows people who work there and spoke to them earlier today. They're fine-no injuries-but extremely shaken up and confused. 

My father also used to consult with the Pentagon. When the plane hit on 9/11, my first thought was please don't let my dad be there. Other people's dads were there, including two students at Town and Country School of Vienna where I worked and my son attended preschool. But my dad wasn't there that awful day. And Colonel Grant was fine; he walked into the outer office the afternoon of September 11th and I will never forget the joy and relief on his children's faces. Nor my own when I discovered my father was not at the Pentagon.

We are all connected in one way or another. Someone you know may have lost a loved one today, or perhaps even have been at the Navy yard. People we all know lost someone on September 11th, and in San Diego, two kids one of my friends may have known died on September 25th, 1978. Every single one of us died a little when twenty little children were slaughtered a few weeks before Christmas last year.

So today, before we try to ask the inevitable questions, let's just stop for a moment. Let's send healing thoughts or pray or do whatever we feel comfortable doing to try and help the people hurt or killed or affected in any way by today's tragedy. Because we're all connected, we're all human and we all hurt when our fellow humans are injured or killed or harmed. 

Let the experts do their jobs, let the authorities and the forensic teams and the psychologists sort through the evidence and come to conclusions. Tonight, we can light a candle or hug a loved one or donate blood or reach out to someone we know who was affected by what happened today. 

Tonight, we can connect.