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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachmann Diaries: Well, That's That.

Dear Diary,

America is not ready for a Christian woman married to the love of her life with 972 foster children and at least 5 of her own as Ruler of Godlandia. I had to suspend my campaign.

I don't understand. I'm the best candidate. I'm smart and pretty and I want to blow up Iran, and I love the Jews, and I believe in Conservative Jesus and I would have taken this country back to the 18th century when life was good and pure. What went wrong? Was it Kent? Did his betrayal make everyone lose faith in me? I don't NEED Kent, I only need Jesus and Marcus. Marcus would have been the best First Husband in American history.

Now I am thinking about leaving the Congress so I can run against that socialist liberal Al Franken for his senate seat. Since I spent more money last year that any other congressional candidate, I should totally be able to raise more to get rid of that communist. Easy. He loves HOMOS, and all I need to do is call the MFC and bam, 13 million dollars in my manicured hand. Kiss it goodbye, Commie Franken.

Diary, now that I am out of the race, Marcus thinks we need a vacation. Not the cattle ranch-we're doing that for our anniversary. Marcus wants to rent an old Cadillac and drive to Las Vegas, like these best friends in a movie called "Thelma and Louise." I've never seen it, but Marcus said the ending is really powerful, and involves a stunt! He gets to leap from a moving car! I told him I don't think that's a good idea, but he says it's the only way it will work. Not sure what he's talking about there, but I'll go with it.

I'm pretty depressed, Dairy. Maybe a road trip is a good idea. We can stop off and see Wayne, and hopefully avoid those pygmy Mexicans. OH-the new dog, that Mastiff thing? Drooled all over my $2,000 baby sealskin low heel pumps from Russia. I could have killed it, but Marcus reminded me about Geronimo, so I just stood there, with dog drool all over my feet. I hate animals.

I need to find a new title...I KNOW!

Love-Senator Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. (Oh I like that!) xoxoxoxoxo

© Erin Nanasi 2012


  1. These never fail to amuse me. "I'm smart and pretty and I want to blow up Iran"...priceless!

  2. I would have to dispute the first two claims.