Newt Gingrich's Operation Boot Straps

Newt Gingrich, current (as of this morning) front runner in the Republican presidential campaign, recently spoke to a group of fellow conservatives, and made some statements that are proof of his deep love of the poor. Mr. Gingrich, while wearing a $14,000 watch from Tiffany's and an Hermes tie, made it clear that he believes poor children have very few opportunities in this country, and offered what many Christian conservatives are calling a "brilliant idea."

Mr. Gingrich, who agreed at one point with the Heritage Foundation's assessment that American poor are not actually poor because they have stoves, has changed his mind regarding poor children. Yes, they may have a stove, but they may in fact still be poor. Therefore, Newt Gingrich has suggested that poor children work part time in their schools. He names several jobs that poor children could do to earn that extra $10 for college: assistant librarian, assistant janitor, school nurse, security guard and assistant volleyball coach.

In states with active mining, Mr. Gingrich would like to go back to the heady days of the early 1900's when children as young as eight were headed down into the bowels of the Earth with Dad and Grandpa. There's nothing like black lung at the ripe old age of 20 to show what a fantastic work ethic you have. Newt has also joined Bryan Fischer, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum and others in calling for the retooling of child labor laws in America. Mr. Gingrich believes that poor children are not learning how to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and perhaps they should spend less time at school, and more time making baseball mitts. Michele Bachmann, newest cheerleader for China, has told sources she "loves, loves, loves this idea", and has vowed to overturn Minnesota child labor laws so preteens can go work in the paper mills up in Duluth.

Child psychologist Dr. Kermit Unger has some qualms about this new direction, saying in an exclusive interview with The Des Moines Scarlet Letter, "Children need their childhood. Putting American kids to work in a factory is not the same as putting Chinese kids to work in a factory. Chinese kids never have a childhood-they're programmed from birth to work for the good of the state. Unless we embrace Communism, this is a horrible idea. Have you ever tried to get a 12 year old to dry the dishes? How the hell do you expect to convince a kid to work in a coal mine, or clean toilets? We need to breed it into them, using eugenics." (Update: Dr. Unger is no longer on staff at Iowa State Agriculture and Animal Husbandry Community College. His current whereabouts are unknown.)

With Newt Gingrich pulling out ahead of the other candidates, one has to wonder when he will begin Operation Boot Straps, and how it will be received by the millions of lazy slackers under the age of 15. Hopefully, Mr. Gingrich has enough staff remaining to put some serious time into making certain poor kids don't suddenly get all uppity about working themselves to death.