Saturday, December 17, 2011
The Bachmann Diaries: What do you mean, I won it for Mitt Romney?!
I will never, ever wear false eyelashes again as long as I live. Marcus had a former client who used to be in the entertainment business who gave us all his old makeup. Some of it was disgusting, but he did have 5 packs of false eyelashes. I asked Marcus why a man had makeup, and Marcus explained to me what a "drag queen" is. EW! I would never be able to do Marcus's job, spending time with all those degenerates and sinners. Jesus never spent time with sinners.
Oh, the eyelashes. Marcus suggested I wear them to the debate last Thursday. He said they would make my eyes look even bigger and more innocent. No, what they did was clump together at the sides, and I spent the whole night squinting and then opening them really wide, trying to get them unstuck. PLUS I used this plumping lip gloss from Mexico, and my mouth felt like a million bees were attacking me. But, I saw a picture of myself, and I did look really pretty. Which is what matters.
Diary, I went after Newt Gingrich with both barrels for his $1.6 MIILION earned by being a lobbyist for Freddie Mae. Historian my eyelashes. He went to really important Republicans and TOLD THEM to support Fannie Mac. If that's not lobbying, I don't know what is. What the heck did a corrupt mortgage company need an historian for? David Barton is an historian, NOT Newt Gingrich.
So, I got up Friday, expecting to see my name listed as the winner, but what I read was that I won it for ROMNEY?!?!?!? How did the stupid liberal media come up with that one? I nailed it! Ron Paul called me a liar, and I didn't back down. Stupid garden gnome. I read that U.N. report about Iran and Hezbollah building missile silos in Kansas to blow up Canada, he can go straight to hell.
Marcus is being so supportive, even when I get a little angry at the lies being told about me in the liberal media. He knows I don't want to drink anymore, so he enrolled in a few baking classes at the community college. After those wonderful raspberry brownie thingies, I can't believe he made something even better! Chocolate truffles with rum extract. No rum. They taste like they have real rum in them, but Marcus says they don't, my dizziness is because of the sugar. Okie dokie! I love him so much, he's a wonderful husband.
That other guy showed up to the debate. He's really thin, and super tan, and I wish I could remember his name. They introduced him, and I think he's running for president, but he could have just been there to help with the lights.
Diary, the worst part about all this is that my poll numbers are down. I mean, Romney actually told a HOMO Vietnam Veteran that he wouldn't ever support HOMOS marrying. That takes balls. I think I will find a HOMO pride parade, and make a speech about them all being from Satan. Maybe that would help. What do I have to do? I'm right about Iran and Hezbollah, I promised to close our embassies in Iran and North Korea, I hate everyone Jesus hates and He visits me at night and tells me I'm the best candidate. Shit.
The house next door is for sale. Our neighbors suddenly moved in the middle of the night, and they left the check Marcus wrote them in our mailbox. I hope the new neighbors don't have a poodle.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia
© Erin Nanasi 2011