The Bachmann Diaries: Merry Christmas from Godlandia

Dear Diary,

I visited The Hamburg Inn yesterday in Iowa City. I had so much fun! People were super sweet, and they even played Christmas Carols. There was one strange thing-a man dressed up like a robot. I don't know what he was doing, but Marcus thinks he was looking for a comic book convention. Some of those awful socialist left wing traitors from the Occupy movement were there, but my amazing security got rid of them lickety split. I love watching communists run!

We have two new ads that are just clips of Real Americans talking about how wonderful I am. One of my children, or foster children, is in one of the ads, I didn't recognize her, but Alice swears she's my daughter. She's voting for me, so sure, welcome to the family! The other folks talk about how pro-life I am, and that I am for the people. I wish someone had said "just not the HOMOS", but we'll take what we can get at this point.

Most people like that I am a Christian, unlike YOU KNOW WHO. This is a Christian country, and when I am Queen of Godlandia, I will make sure that all white, Christian children pray in school. I am even writing a bill that I will pass to make Christianity the official religion of America! I'm so excited-this is why our Founding Fathers came over here from England. I mean, who wants to be forced to be a non-Christian Protestant!?

Marcus and I decorated the Christmas tree and lit all the candles in the living room. We have to keep the candles away from the curtains because I seem to be opening the windows at night to crawl out onto the front lawn. I'm burying something under the big elm tree by the driveway, I just can't remember what it is. We will open our presents from the Baby Jesus on Christmas Eve, then Marcus has to go visit a friend who just got in from Germany. He sells those educational DVD's that Marcus watches late at night. OH! Marcus made the most wonderful brownies! He calls them Shelly's Schnapps, and they are fabulous! He crushed up little peppermint candies and mixed them with the frosting. I can't stop eating them!

Diary, my present for Marcus is perfect! I got us a two week vacation on a cattle ranch in Wyoming! His favorite movie is "Brokeback Mountain", which he says is too violent for me to watch, but it's all about cattle ranching and cowboys! I think he's going to be so excited!

Merry Christmas! (No one will be able to say anything BUT Merry Christmas when I am Queen of Godlandia!)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Queen Michele

© Erin Nanasi, 2011