Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Bachmann Diaries: Liars Are Everywhere!
My campaign sent out an email, asking people in South Carolina for their support. We received thousands of replies, all from people who love me and want me to be Queen of Godlandia. (President is the OFFICIAL word we use.) Except one horrible, evil, probably HOMO person named Tyler Jones. Tyler Jones is a Democrat! We call them dumbocrats here at the house! He said that he wanted to help with the campaign, but he works for the other side. What a horrible person. I hope Jesus punishes him. PLUS, Alice had to release a statement to the media, saying that he was not a supporter and he LIED about liking me. How can anyone not like me? What a JERK!
Diary, I am the only candidate willing to take on Obummer when it comes to socialism. He wants the government to pay for poor people and the rich to pay more taxes. The government should never pay for poor people! If you don't have money, then MOVE. Leave your kids though, we have a plan for them. Not the stupid janitor idea from Newt Gingrich, no, we don't need more janitors. What we need are more Americans working at American companies. Like Hormel. They make SPAM, which really is yummy. But, all of the people who work at their plant in Minnesota are Mexicans! Why? That's so stupid. Kids could do those jobs-cutting up pigs and whatever else goes into SPAM, hosing down the floors, packing the meat (I think?) into those darling little cans. Kids can pick fruit and wash cars and do all sorts of jobs that illegals only do. We send all the illegals back to Peru or wherever and BAM, more American jobs.
And when there are no more illegals, we can work on the welfare mothers who drive around in super expensive cars while collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars a month in welfare. Did you know you can buy a car with food stamps? Tamara says you can, and she was right about the toasters and the turtles, so I know she's right about this. When I am queen, we won't have welfare, we'll have work camps. If you have a heartbeat, you can work. I worked when I was 3 years old, so everyone else can too.
A miracle happened! That girl I didn't recognize turned out to be my daughter! It was amazing-she doesn't look anything like me, but we took a pop can she'd been drinking and tested it for DNA. I can't be too careful, you know. Now that I am tied with that IDIOT Ron Paul, more and more people will probably come forward, claiming to be our children so they can come live in the White House. But, she is really our daughter. Now, I just have to remember her name.
The new neighbors moved in! They are really nice, but they're sort of weird. They have these hybrid cars, and all these recycle cans in the backyard, and they are putting solar panels up on the roof. They also have a HUGE dog. Marcus says it's an English massive something and it's the size of a bear. I hope I don't try and do anything to it, that thing would eat me. Plus it drools. Blech.
We had a small fire in the living room Monday night. We needed new drapes...sorry, I have to call them window treatments...anyway, so we will order some silk fabric from China and Choo Yee can sew them. We don't have to pay her extra for that, we just tell her we're not having her deported. I guess I was using a candle for light to see outside and got a little too close to one of the curtains. It turns out that I am not burying anything, I'm digging something up. Maybe it's a time capsule! I hope it's something fun, because it's really taking a toll on my manicure.
Time to Google my name! I love being me, and I will love being Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia!