The Bachmann Diaries: It's Only FAIR!

Dear Diary,

It's cold! I'm glad those slackers at Occupy Wall Street are freezing their nuts off while I sit, cozy warm, in my flannel Lanz nightgown, lynx kitten fur slippers and Turkish bathrobe. Marcus made me a wonderful breakfast drink called Cinnamon Toast. It has an orange slice in it and apple cider. He has also started putting a smidgen of brandy in my oatmeal. I feel wonderful!

Saturday, my best friend, Mike Luckabee, held a forum along with Fox news. I was invited to speak, since I am the most popular candidate and destined to be Queen of Godlandia. You know why I want to be Queen? Every morning, I stand before the American flag in my bedroom and say the Pledge of Allegiance. It is a very emotional moment for me, because I love this country so much. I place my hand over my heart and say "Oh beautiful for spacious skies, and amber waves of oats, for purple mountains' majesty, the llamas and the goats" and so on. I usually cry.

OH! So, at the forum, I totally beat Newt Gingrich with my brilliant immigration policy. Deport them. Every one of them. No illegal people in MY America. Then we get kids to do all those shitty jobs no actual white people will do, like pick vegetables and clean bathrooms. Win win. It's time to make America white again, just like John Tanton believes. He created FAIR, and he has the best quote: "As Whites see their power and control over their lives declining, will they simply go quietly into the night? Or will there be an explosion?". I think there's an explosion coming, not only from Iran when they finally blow up our embassy, but from all the hard working AMERICANS who are sick of paying $500 billion a year for illegal immigrants.

I thought about putting them all in camps, but Tamara reminded me that all my camps will be filled with HOMOS. Speaking of the diseased, I met a really annoying young person a few days ago named Jane something. She is the president of Waverly High School's Gay Straight Alliance. In IOWA. How disgusting. Anywho, she wanted to know how I would protect gay people if I were Queen of Godlandia. She said "president" but I know what she meant. Well, duh, I wouldn't. Then she asked me if gay people would be able to get married. Of course, they have to marry members of the opposite sex. That's the LAW. And it will stay the law, and if HOMOS want to try and get married to each other, they'll get put in one of my camps. It is an evil life and leads to marrying turtles. Tamara told me that. Can you imagine?

Donald Trump, my best friend, is hosting a debate for the best magazine in the world, Newsmax. I love Mr. Trump, I have my Trump Stamp, and he thinks I am the best candidate. We don't agree on everything-he doesn't believe we have embassies in North Korea, Cuba, Iran or Bhutan (wherever the hell that is, probably Russia) but other than that, we're super good friends. I can't wait for this debate. Ron Paul and John Huntsman aren't even attending, which is so rude. Ron said that a debate hosted by Mr. Trump is beneath him and he won't even watch. Mr. Trump is the ONLY person, other than me, who still thinks Obummer is a foreigner, which is why I'm going. Thank you, Jesus, for Mr. Trump.

Herman Cain dropped out. Yes, I got rid of another one. T-Paw, now Pizza Guy. Working on Santorum, which will be easy, because I have a plan. I'm going to make a really big deal out of that baby he murdered to "save" his own wife. If I leave out the whole part where they named that poor dead baby and took it home for the night, I can make him look like a big fat liar.

Well, that's about it, Diary. The lawsuit is stalled, because the ground froze and they can't dig up Geronimo. If I could just remember what that damn dog looked like, I could buy another one on Ebay and pretend he was just lost for awhile. I haven't been sleepwalking recently, at least outside. Marcus said he found me in the basement Friday night, playing canasta with a stuffed bear, 2 Barbie dolls and a dead parakeet. He was so nice-he got me cleaned up and even pulled the little green feathers out of my teeth. AND he just brought me another Cinnamon Toast. He's such a wonderful husband. I'm glad I waited for him to stop being "one of the boys" and marry me!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Love-Queen Michele, ruler of Godlandia!

© Erin Nanasi 2011