I'm drinking a Ginger-Tini! It's wonderful! It has grapefruit juice, pomegranate juice, ginger and lemon zest. Also vodka, but Marcus says that won't interfere with my new medication. Xanax wasn't really helping, so now I take something called Risperdal. Thank Jesus that Marcus is a doctor!
I gave a wonderful speech at the University of Northern Iowa yesterday. I got to talk about intelligent design, which is fact, and use new words and phrases Alice found online. They made me sound super smart, and everyone promised not one person would ask me to explain them. I used irreducible complexity, the Second Law of Thermodynamics and dearth of fossil record. WOW! I think thermodynamics is about heat, and dearth has something to do with Star Wars. I also said science is not static, it's dynamic. I guess that means it doesn't make your hair stand up.
Intelligent design should be taught in schools because it's fact and evolution is just a theory. We didn't come from monkeys. If we did, how come there are still monkeys? SEE? It's stupid. Dinosaurs are in the Bible. In Job, there is a description of a "behemoth", which I think means huge, and it sounds exactly like a dinosaur! Evolution is not science, the Bible is.
NOW the stupid liberal (Marcus calls them all libturds, but that's not very ladylike) media claims we don't have an embassy in Iran. I told all my minions that as Queen of Godlandia (I say "president" in public, but everyone knows what I mean), I would close the embassy we have in Iran. Of course we have an embassy in Iran, we have an embassy in every country in the world! We're America, for shit's sake. This drink is fabulous. Anywho, when Marcus and I get together enough money and go to Cuba to see the Hezbollah missile silos, we're also going to blow up our embassy there. Then, off to North Korea!
Dr. Duke is out of jail, thank Jesus. Do you know that in Germany, you can't talk about white people? That's all Dr. Duke wanted to do-he was going to give a speech just like the one he gave in Iran about how neat it is to be white. He did say something I kind of agree with, but I can't talk about this anywhere except in here with you, Diary. See, Dr. Duke doesn't believe in the Holocaust, and he doesn't really like Jews. Okay, see, I don't like them either, BUT in order for Jesus to come back, they have to be alive so they can burn in eternal fire. It's in the Bible.
Dr. Duke and I have a pretty neat idea. Iran LOVES him, and he and I are thinking of heading over there to blow up our embassy. Iran has thousands of nuclear weapons, which they are going to use to blow up America. Why do we have an embassy over there? It makes no sense, but I'm sure Obummer loves it. He loves all those terrorists. Ronald Reagan, my mentor and adopted father, would NEVER have had terrorists in the White House. He was perfect.
The new medicine helps me sleep, but I have the weirdest dreams! Last night, I dreamed Rick Perry and I were at the Pearly Gates, and Jesus, God and St. Peter were there, asking us questions. I must have gotten them all right, because I got to go in. Perry got some wrong, because this huge trap door opened under his stupid cowboy boots, and he fell into a fiery pit. I was awesome! God is good!
Time for my mani-pedi. We had to find a new girl, Cho Yee got deported. YES, she was an illegal, but she made my heels so soft, and my gels look like natural nails. I wish Marcus would learn how to do them, but he just glares at me and says "If I can have someone else do MY nails, Shelly, so can you." FINE.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Love-Queen Michele, ruler of Godlandia.
© Erin Nanasi 2011
(Tip of the Hat to Sheila F. W. for her contribution this week.)