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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Unlearning What I Lived








You know that saying "Children learn what they live"? It's true. The hard part is unlearning what you lived, if your childhood was less than an idyllic Hallmark movie. That takes years, often decades, and sometimes it's impossible.

I've unlearned a lot. I've unlearned that I was unlovable, that I was invisible, that I was in the way. The one thing I have always had trouble unlearning was that I was never important. That stays with a person. You always come after the job, the business trip, the social event, the hundreds of illnesses (fake or real); everyone and everything comes before you. As a kid, I never mattered. Luckily, I had awesome babysitters.

For the last 20 years of her life, my mom and I became best friends. We overcame a lot and had some fairly intense discussions. When she died, Jim and I found stuff she'd saved that made no sense. The journals and the notebook made sense, saving them didn't. But my mom never had someone like my husband on her side. It didn't occur to her that it's okay to let the bad stuff go. She didn't have a support system for her mental health, and never dealt with it. My mom never found coping skills to deal with her own feelings of self loathing. She never had a chance.

When she died, I had this goofy hope that my dad and I could get closer. I had a plan-he'd spend more time in Vermont, and we'd spend more time in Virginia, and we'd get to know each other. Become friends, like my mom and I were finally able to do. Maybe I should have shared this idea with him, because what ended up happening was the antithesis of what I'd hoped for. What happened was that, once again, I just didn't matter.

Now, before you break out the violins, understand that I have a wonderful family. I have the best husband in the world, the most amazing and wonderful son, in-laws who are so cool they make people jealous, and I have my friend/sister from another mother, Kyra, along with friends in Florida, California, pretty much all over the place. People I've known for decades. And a few of them knew my mom and dad in their "true" form. Not the handsome funny dad and the gorgeous and gifted mom. The actual people behind the masks. Jim is one of those people, as is Kyra. They know exactly what I went through.

Today, I look in the mirror and I see a little of my mom, a little of my dad and still a little of that nine year old girl who has no clue why she never feels safe or loved. I'd hoped that after my mom's death, my dad and I could forge a stronger relationship, but that's not quite how it worked. He did forge a strong relationship, it just wasn't with me, or my family. And that's extremely hurtful and brings up a lot of sorrow. Not self pity, just extraordinary sadness that my mom, who was severely mentally ill for all of her adult life, was the parent who stepped up and joined with me in friendship and love.

I don't feel sorry for myself, because if it was not for the past, I would not be the person I am today. I'm just so sad and disheartened. I'm trying desperately to keep a scab on a wound that never quite heals, and at the moment, the scab's been ripped off. So, back to coping skills 101, back to venting and not holding things in and I have to start growing the scab again. Everyone has a scab. The key is knowing when it falls off, and how to keep yourself together while it slowly grows over the wound.

I've walked a long and twisted path, and so many people I love have traveled their own paths with courage and strength. I am privileged to have those friends; friends who don't care that you're crying on the phone, friends who love you no matter what. That's my family.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thanksgiving Holiday Review









It was a strange holiday. President Obama made his annual Thanksgiving Day speech, thanking our members of the military for their service. He didn't thank God on what most rational people realize is a non religious holiday, and the party of talk the talk but not walk the walk (TeaPublicans) went batshit insane. Atheist commie Kenyan Muslin! Muslim! Homescholed! Whatever. I'd rather have a president who behaves like an actual Christian than some member of the trolling for blow jobs on Craig's list while preaching family values party.

Black Friday will henceforth be known as "Black and Blue Friday". Holy crap! Some woman in California pepper sprayed 20 people, including kids, to get a Wii game. Two people were SHOT, and early shoppers found a dead guy in a fountain. And let's not even talk about the Walmart waffle iron mosh pit, complete with obese woman, with a tramp stamp, wearing Spandex pants and no underwear. Cops also body slammed a grandfather into the floor in a DIFFERENT Walmart, rendering him unconscious and extremely bloody. As they were mopping off his face with paper towels (Aisle 2), his grandson came running over, screaming "Grandpa!". Merry f-ing Christmas. At least the cops waited until after he was released from the hospital to charge him with shoplifting. Which he wasn't actually doing-he shoved a game into his waistband so he could pick his grandson up and get him to safety. In a Walmart.

All of this violence took place in Walmarts all over the country yesterday. What makes Walmart shoppers so violent? Have you ever seen those "People of Walmart" photos? Enough said. If I were on FIRE I would put on underwear. Who the hell leaves the house thinking "Nah, I don't need panties, I'm just going to WALMART." Ew? Maybe President Obama should have thanked Walmart. From yesterday's events, it seems that's what people worship.


Friday, November 25, 2011

The Plight of White Folks in America, 2008-Present











Last week, I saw a post on Facebook that got me thinking. My friend, Kim, listed 5-6 books about the African American experience, all written by white people. She then wrote that when white people write about the black experience, it's inspirational, but when black people write about being black, it's complaining. I wondered about that. Has it always been true, or is this something that's popped up, say in the past 3 years? You know, since we elected that black guy to the presidency. I wanted to look at the differences, and one glaring instance jumped out at me like a Klan member at Morehouse college. That instance is named Bill Looman.

Bill Looman lives and works in Waco, Georgia. He is a tea party member, he claims to be a former Marine and he is a member of the Oath Keepers. The Oath Keepers is a group of former members of the Armed Services, ex police officers and mall security guards who decided that President Obama couldn't give them orders to do things like murder American citizens. Which is actually true, since they're all FORMER members of the military, FORMER police officers and FORMER mall cops. Also, President Obama is not a sociopath. When I mention Oath Keepers to actual members of the military, they twitch unhappily. This is a group who believes in FEMA death camps, grand conspiracies and violence against anyone they view as a traitor. Luckily, since they never read anything that contradicts their own paranoia, I'm safe.

Bill Looman also did something a few months ago that made at least his truck and his business an Internet phenomenon. He slapped a magnetic sign on the side of his big ol' pickup truck that reads "NEW COMPANY POLICY WE ARE NOT HIRING UNTIL OBAMA IS GONE". Let's recall that a local tea party leader called on all her minions to stop hiring for the exact same reason. I wonder if Mr. Looman realizes that all the crap we're going through actually started with Saint Ronnie Ray-Gun, or if he's just going to keep blaming the black guy. I wonder Billy Boy even understand the dynamics of American politics or if he's just pissed off that someone darker than he is is the leader of the free world.

Bill Looman has a Facebook page, and he posts links to sites and articles he likes. Militia Men, Patriots Against Socialist Takeover, links to articles on Godfather Politics such as "Socialism, Communism or Fascism: Which Best Describes Obamanism?" (New word!), and articles about Newt Gingrich banning Sharia law. He hates President Obama, and is so vehement and vocal about his hatred and penchant for violence that he was recently paid a visit by the Secret Service (http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2nzkvf/www.bizjournals.com/atlanta/morning_call/2011/11/secret-service-visits-man-not-hiring.html

Now let's remember a few things. Bill Looman can put any kind of anti-American sign on his big ass truck that he wants to. He can belong to any paranoid, delusional group he wants to, even one that is half a chromosome away from the Sovereign Citizens. What Bill Looman CANNOT do is accuse the President of the United States of being unpatriotic when it is Looman who is refusing to hire people until he gets his way. That sounds a lot like what the TeaPublicans did with the debt talks-we're holding America hostage until we get our way, nana nana boo boo. Anyone noticing a trend?

So, the plight of white folks in America is, in my opinion, limited to the white folks who cannot stand the fact that our president is black. It also makes them growl with rabid anger that he will still be black, and still be president, this time next year. They're ironing the hoods and cleaning the guns, and joining Oath Keepers and helping towns like Waco, Georgia stay unemployed. Bill Looman's business phone number is on the side of his truck, but it's been disconnected. He has 42 other phone numbers you can use to contact him on his Facebook page, but rumor has it, if you call to disagree with him or have a conversation that doesn't start with "My white brother! You rock!", he hangs up on you.

There is no plight. There is no conspiracy to turn America in a socialist country, there are no FEMA death camps. The Muslim Brotherhood is not infiltrating the government. What is real is the racism attached to the "new" right wing, the fringe. Bill Looman would not be doing this if Barack Obama was white, I guarantee it. He would not be disrespecting the office of the President of the United States to the point where he garners a visit from the Secret Service. He would not have drunk the tea. But Bill Looman not only drank the tea, he mainlined it, and now he's decided that hating Barack Obama is more important that putting people to work. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

I love all the books Kim listed in her post. Do I believe her assertion, that when black people write about being black, it's looked upon as complaining? Let's put it this way: I've never heard the word "uppity" used as much as I have in the past three years. I've never heard media talk about how if you have a refrigerator, you're not poor. I've never heard a radio host encourage his listening audience to arm themselves so they can shoot "thugs". Yes, I agree with Kim. It makes me angry, it makes me more resolute to get people to vote, and it also saddens me to the core. When I see what people like Bill Looman and the TeaPublicans are doing to this country, it breaks my heart. But I never hate. Ever.

In time we hate that which we often fear.
William Shakespeare




Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: Party Monkey









Dear Diary,

There is another debate tonight, and I am ready! I have new gels, and Marcus gave me the most beautiful highlights (super subtle) and I'm drinking something called a melon ball. Marcus says it's loaded with Vitamin C and sugar, so I'll stay alert when Newt Gingrich starts talking about Muslims and China.

Tamara Scott is now on my staff, and she's wonderful. She believes that letting gays marry will destroy society, just like I do, AND she told me that if gay people get married, pretty soon all kinds of marriages will happen. Like a woman marrying the Eiffel Tower. Or a toaster. I'm going to talk about that tonight. Santorum can talk about having relations with dogs, but when my followers find out gay marriage leads to people marrying a refrigerator, he's finished.

I was on Jimmy Falcon! It was so much fun! His band played a neat song by a Christian band called *Fishbone when I walked out on stage, and Jimmy gave me 762 party monkeys for all our foster children. How funny is it that people think we have those puking brats over for holiday dinners. Anywho, we talked about my New York Post best selling book and turkey bingo. Marcus and I haven't played that in years, mostly because Thanksgiving is spent with just the two of us, playing canasta and watching old Doris Day movies. Marcus loves Doris Day. He's so cute.

Wow, these melon balls are yummy. I'm super glad Tamara gave me a pitcher. OH! Jimmy Falcon played a word game with me, and I won! He said a word, then I had to say the first thing that came into my head. Here are the words and my answers:

Romney-I said hair first, then I said vice president. I liked the second answer, even though it was a little fib. I want Glenn Beck to be my VP. He's super smart and loves me.

Gingrich-I said Newt, but I said it like this Nooooot. It sounded dirty.

Cain-Nine. I was going to say Satan, but now that I know he had cancer, I have to be nicer. Satan.

Palin-Gorgeous. NOT! HAHAHAHA!!!

Perry-This was my best one. I said 1-Texas. 2-Governor. 3-Oh what's the third thing, I forget. Marcus said he laughed so hard he almost cried!

Obama-Finished. I should have said "Fascist socialist African traitor". I read that on Stormy Front's website. We found them!!!

Jimmy's last word was Bachmann. Of course, the first thing that popped into my perfect head was "Queen of Godlandia", but not a lot of people know my master plan, so I said "President".

Oh crud, I have to get going now. Love-Queen Michele of Godlandia! xoxoxoxoxo

*the song by Fishbone was "Lyin' Ass Bitch"

© Erin Nanasi 2011


Monday, November 21, 2011

Good People










Last night, I discovered a good friend is in trouble. She and her family will be homeless in two days. She didn't email me, or call me or message me on Facebook. I was going to post a cartoon to her wall, and read one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. Sitting in our house, I thought, okay. I got Stephen King to send an autographed book to Steve Snyder-Hill, I can certainly get people to help a husband and wife who are about to be on the street with their children.

I got with another dear friend, and we started pleading for help. Yes, it was Sunday, but I was looking for people to pledge and promise an amount. I have many friends who are at least middle class, and a few who are wealthy by any standard. Here's the funny part, and by funny, I mean hit my head against the side of my house until it hurts. The ones who have stepped up, the ones who have responded with a pledge, are the ones who can least afford it. One has a little left over after paying the mortgage, one will not be spending the holidays with family and is donating the amount normally spent on the big dinner. One is a man who is almost as dear to me as my own husband.

Do people think this is a scam? That I invented this family in order to buy skin care products? Or my friend is lying? Or is it something a little darker, a little more, well, sinister? Is it simply that there IS a 1% and they just don't give a shit? Are people with money so far removed from the every day suffering of "average Americans" that pleas such as this one fall on deaf ears?

Thanksgiving is this Thursday, and while we sit around tables laden with food, people in America will eat in shelters and church basements, or not at all. Children will cry and mothers will comfort, as mothers always do. Comfort does not fill a stomach, it does not pay for a roof and a bed. Comfort to a family about to be homeless is like a Band Aid on a gunshot wound.

I have good people in my life, amazingly selfless people who understand that I would never ask if it was not important, if it was not real. To those people, I say thank you. Thank you for thinking of others when your own needs are so dear, thank you for embracing the true meaning of love and charity and thank you for helping my friend and her family. You are good people.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Drive Fast, Turn Left, Boo The First Lady










First Lady Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden made an appearance at the final NASCAR race of the season to honor military families. Mrs. Obama and Dr. Biden were given a standing ovation at the pre-race driver's meeting, then the two ladies went back out to be announced to the crowd. That's when NASCAR fans, in all their glory, showed their true patriotism. NASCAR fans booed Mrs. Obama and Dr. Biden, loudly enough to be heard over the engines.

To their credit, neither the First Lady or Dr. Biden did what I would have done, which is grab a microphone and swear profusely, and that's why I will never have a position of power. They kept smiling, stayed focused on the reason for their visit, and payed tribute to military families with grace and decorum. Which is a lot more than can be said for those NASCAR fans.

What is it with Right Wing Nut Jobs and booing? They cheer all the wrong things-executions and hypothetical uninsured cancer patients dying-and boo things that should be celebrated. Like the First and Second Lady leaving their comfort zones and coming down to Red Neckville and an Army captain with arms the size of trees and an adorable husband coming out to 60 million people. It's just embarrassing.

We are the laughing stock of many countries thanks to these "patriots". The President is a "muslin". Home scholers for Perry. Keep your government hands off my Medicare. Booing the First and Second Lady and a gay Army officer who can kill you with his thumb. For the love of GOD. Get a high school education, stop drinking Everclear, and learn something. Like class, decorum, common sense, or, at the very least, when to shut up.

The Bachmann Diaries: Thanksgiving Family Forum


Dear Diary,

Did you know Kahlua is made of coffee? It's delicious! Marcus says it has calcium in it. He takes such good care of me.

Yesterday, I was in Des Moines for the Thanksgiving Family Forum. Frank Luntz, who is a close personal friend, asked all the Republican candidates to participate in a discussion about America and family and Jesus. I served drinks. Mitt Romney and John Huntsman didn't show up, because they're Mormon. I think that if they step foot in a REAL church, God sets them on fire. Anyway, we sat around a table with pumpkins on it (so cute!) and talked about our lives. It was fun to hear the others try and top my horrible childhood, and Newt Gingrich couldn't even remember his own life, he had to use someone else's. Can you say old fart? HAHA!

Diary, as you know, my father abandoned us when I was little. One of my earliest memories, other than the visitations from Jesus, was my poor mother having to sell our things to pay the bills. All the pretty china and gold fillings she had found in the local cemetery. It was so sad. I worked from age 5 to make enough money to pay the rent, buy clothes for all my siblings and eyeglasses. I hated wearing glasses. My eyes are so pretty, it was always a shame to hide them. Marcus says I have eyes like a deer in headlights. Isn't he sweet?

Rick Santorum went totally off subject by talking about his seventh child (we need to have more kids pronto) being really ill, and how he ignored her. I thought this was the baby he and his wife murdered, but who can keep track. He plans on going around the country, fighting gay marriage. Since I've been doing that since I was 12, I guess he's a big fat copy cat. Jerk.

Herman Cain had cancer. I didn't know that. He cried a lot. What was super funny is that when he talked about his worst moment being not spending enough time with his children, Newt looked at him like "riiiiiight". Look, I don't even know what sexual harassment is, really, but if Newt Gingrich thinks it's bad, you know it must be. Marcus and I both think Newt has the morals of a snake. I mean, we would never be unfaithful to each other, and cannot understand how anyone could cheat on their spouse. Marcus spends so much time away because is is SAVING HOMOS. Sheesh!

Rick Perry did okay, I guess. He talked about growing up in rural Texas, like there's another kind of Texas, and going to school with only 10 other kids. I saw his college grades the other day. Wow. I am so much smarter than him. Honestly, I am smarter than all of them, because I know the founding fathers fought to end slavery and I know where Libya is. How hard is it to read a map of Asia?

Ron Paul lost. Huge. HUGE. He talked about how you can be an atheist in America. OH MY GOD. In Godlandia, there won't BE any atheists. I'll round them all up and send them to work at the Creation Museum, where they can learn about truth and Jesus and dinosaurs. Marcus says Ron Paul appeals to racists because some weird group called Stormy something raised a ton of money for him the last time he ran for president. We're looking for that group tomorrow.

At the end of the day, I know I won. All sorts of people are saying that Newt is the leader, but that's a bunch of CRAP. He's an adulterous sinner, and Jesus hates sinners. Here's why I will be the next Queen of Godlandia: I have a perfect marriage, I raised 842 foster girls, most of whom seem to be fine now, my own children love me, except for my socialist Americorps son, and I'm a REAL Christian. I follow the Bible, I hate HOMOS and poor people and liberals, just like God does. Jesus told me when I was 10 that He had big plans for me. And even when those awful doctors tried to give me medication to stop Jesus from talking to me, I knew. I knew I was special and perfect and I will be Queen Michele, ruler of Godlandia.

We're being sued by Geronimo's owner. How the HELL did they find out it was me? And why is there a page missing from this diary?

Queen Michele.

© Erin Nanasi 2011

Saturday, November 19, 2011

This Is A Message From The Cat








My name is Princess Nanasi, and Erin is my human. As in, I OWN her. She and that big guy think they are in charge, but they have no clue how this works. I've decided to share some things about Erin with her readers, just because I'm grumpy and I can type.

She eats junk food. Like potato chips. And she's older than she looks. OH and she murders bugs, which is my job, if I have the energy. She never wears dresses. I thought female humans always wore dresses, but Erin wears pants. I guess I'm lucky she wears pants.

She watches cat videos on the computer. Most of them, I don't care about, because I am so gorgeous and those other cats are just stupid, but this morning, she watched one I was interested in. A cat, in a little tank, blowing the shit out of people. That appeals to me. I have a boy friend named Pork Chop (he's from Japan) and I am going to email him about this tank idea. We could totally do it. How hard can it be to build a tank? I don't know where we'll get a laser cannon, though. I know a cat who went to M.I.T-maybe she can help.

Anyway, for all of you who think she's so great and whatever, you should know she's actually a horrible cat slave. I never have enough food, they refuse to bring me freshly killed meat, I only have one sofa to sleep on, and when I jump into the super soft silk chair in the living room...oh wait, she lets me do that, never mind. I used to puke in her slippers, but now she hides them.

I have to go back to sleep now; 20 minutes is my awake during the day limit, unless I have to pee. I'm working on my memoirs. It's exhausting. I guess I have an okay life, but one of these days, I will murder them in their sleep and feast on their corpses. Except the young one. I will raise him as my own.


The Bachmann Diaries: Vegas, baby!

Dear Diary,

I like Drambouie. I wish it helped me sleep, though. Nothing helps me sleep, and those “episodes” are happening a lot more often. Around 3 AM, I was in the backyard, burying what looked a lot like Geronimo, the neighbor’s poodle, under the maple tree next to the birdbath. I don’t know how I got there, and I sure as heck don’t know why I was burying a poodle. I think I cut my hair, too. Marcus fixed it, but I have to wear it pulled back for awhile.

We went to Las Vegas!! It was so much fun, except for the pygmy Mexicans throwing playing cards at you on the sidewalk. Those cards have naked women on them, and Marcus was so upset! It’s obviously advertising prostitution, but you know Marcus-he immediately started ranting and preaching at one Mexican in Spanish, then ran off after telling me he was going to save some more of them. I don’t know where he ended up, but when he got back to the hotel, he was glowing! God is good!

I met WAYNE NEWTON! And we were interviewed by Greta Von Cistern on Fox news. She said it looked like we were on a date. I wish...er... I would never cheat on Marcus, he is the best friend I mean husband in the world. Anywho-Wayne Newton supports yours truly for President of Godlandia! He agrees that I look exactly like Xena, and said my idea for the Newsweek cover (leather bikini holding an American flag) was so much better than the actual cover where I look insane.

I really like Drambouie. We had to let some of our staff in New Hampshire go. They SUCKED... just didn’t have the energy to keep up with me! But, I know exactly how to replace them. I’m going to have a contest on Facebook and Tweety. Marcus has a friend who studies poetry and told Marcus about this neat kind of Chinese poetry called “Hi-Koo”. You write three lines, but each line can only have 5 words in it. Like “Jesus hates Obummer like me.” So, I am going to tell all my minions I mean followers to write a “Hi-Koo” about me, and the five best ones get to come work for my campaign! I’m not going to pay them, but they don’t have to know that. Besides, the real honor is getting to spend time with me, the next ruler of Godlandia.

Wow, I’m a little dizzy. Herman Cain is falling in the polls, Rick Perry is done, but Mitt Romney seems to gaining a lot of support for saying the right things, even though he doesn’t mean them. Like all of a sudden he hates abortion. He used to be pro-abortion, but now that I’M leading all the polls, suddenly, he is pro-baby. Whatever. Did you know 9 9 9 is 6 6 6 upside down? Herman Cain is in league with Satan. Rick Santorum says he will die to protect marriage from the homos. That will help a lot. If he’s dead, that’s one less asshole I mean competitor for me to worry about.

I need more Drambouie. Jesus, please let me sleep through the night, and please don’t let the neighbors sue us over that poodle. Lord, I know I’m Your favorite, and that You are testing me with these blackouts and weird little animal bones in my hair, but I really need to sleep. Plus, I can’t keep replacing all my bedroom slippers. Why the hell heck do I keep shredding them? So much blood. Oh good, more Drambouie.

Love, Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia. When I’m queen, I can have all the Drambouie I want. And no more squirrel fur in my teeth.

© Erin Nanasi 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: Michele With ONE L.

GOD DAMMIT! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! HOW DARE THEY? JESUS CHRIST I HATE THEM SO MUCH.

Dear Diary,

Well, the assholes liberal media did it again. They are attacking my perfect family, my amazing husband and my 257 former foster children that I raised from the cradle to the grave. I calmly told them that my family is off limits. So NOW some stupid bastards reporters have dug up comments I made about Michelle (my name is prettier) Obama during the 2008 presidential campaign, and saying that if I can attack her, why can’t people attack Marcus and my 257 316 484 514 foster children and my real kids, wherever they are.

Because I’m WHITE YOU PRICKS obviously, as a black woman muslim wife colored person in America, Michelle (I do like my name a lot better) Obama is used to being attacked, while Marcus, being a straight, white WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN…American male, is not.

Marcus thinks we need a vacation. I think I need to bring a loaded gun with me wherever I go and the next time some socialist dickwad liberal reporter asks me a question about my perfect husband, and my 873 foster children, and my GOD DAMNMORTGAGE my personal finances, I will wave the gun in his or her face and tell them where they can stick their microphone.

God is good. Amen.

Wow, I feel a lot better. I am curious how The Onion found out about my little problem, though. I need a hug from Steve. SHIT.

Love,

Michele (with only ONE L the way it’s supposed to be)

PS-That Muslim foreigner in the White House is making my life a living HELL.

© Erin Nanasi 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: Missouri!

Image from Daily Kos


Dear Diary,
I went to Missouri today! It was so much fun! I went with Steve King, who is another congressman from, I think Iowa. Maybe Idaho. He is soooo nice. He’s super handsome, and he hates that Muslim liberal in the White House as much as I do! Before we left, Eric Cantor called us into his office to remind us to blame Obama (Obummer!-I can’t say that in public EVER, but in here I can!) for the flood and the money and stuff, and to remember not to call them freeloaders, which is what they are. I mean my family came here 19 generations ago, and we only ate dirt for 300 years and I’m going to be president, so why can’t they all just stop WHINING! I bet they’re all communists.
On the plane, Steve and I came up with the perfect plan-blame colored people! We chose the lazy, stealing Pigford farmers, because everyone knows minorities don’t OWN farms, they work on them, which means that whole settlement was just a scam to give lazy colored people MORE of our money, which Steve and I said from the beginning, but whatever, everyone smart knows it now. Steve even compared Pigford to Obummer (so fun!) wanting reparations for his family in Kenya!! That was a brilliant move, because everyone knows (just like my best friends, Glenn and Sean said), Obama hates white people and wants colored people and Mexicans to take over this great country.
Oh, Diary, Steve King is so awesome. He has the nicest voice and he smells like Old Spice, peppermint and gun oil. When he patted my knee, I thought I would faint. I’m a good Christian wife, faithful to my vows, no matter what. I mean, marital relations would be nice, but I understand; Marcus has been really busy for 20 years. Dear Jesus, I love you. Keep me from temptation, keep my path true and straight and keep me focused on killing HOMOS and being president and throwing that Muslim African out of the WHITE House. I mean, DUH. Thank you.
“Eat more vegetables, eat more fruit, exercise”. The Muslim First Lady is the most annoying woman I have ever met. Uppity, too. Every time I hear her name, I eat a Ho Ho. Jesus, save me from the Muslim and his uppity wife and the Godless liberals in the WHITE House, and keep me focused on killing HOMOS and being the best president of the United White Christian States of Godlandia. Ooooo. I like that. It sounds like “Xena." I look like her.

I have to confess something, Diary. I have a HUGE crush on Steve King. I love my wonderful Marcus, but he is so busy with curing HOMOS, and finding therapy-type videos on the Internet, and watching those educational German movies all night and his book club, I hardly ever see him. Spending time with Steve made me feel like a woman, not just the next President of the WHITE Christian United States of America. I think I’ll put that on our money after I get rid of all the socialists. Oh, Steve King. He’s super neat. He loves Jesus and hates everyone who doesn’t like ME!. He believes Obummer (that is sooo much fun!) is a Muslim, just like I do, and neither of us believe for one second that he’s a real American. He was born in Kenya, and he should go back there. And his nanny state wife should go with him. Nursing is cool, and all, but MORE tax breaks for poor people? I never had a tax break in my life, and neither did my family, who has been in Iowa since the Middle Ages. And if you give poor women tax breaks, they’re going to have more colored babies, and then the master race society Steve and I want will never happen!
I had that thing happen again last night. Marcus got all the blood out of the duvet, but I have no idea where it came from. I had twigs in my hair.
Love, Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia
© Erin Nanasi 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: The Straw Poll

Dear Diary,

You know, I think the rest of these presidential candidates are morons. I mean, I am THE ONLY ONE talking about Russia as an enemy, which they totally are. I’m the ONLY ONE who celebrated Elvis Presley’s birthday, and he was the best American rock singer ever. I’m the ONLY ONE who understands this Standard and Pool thing, and that raising the debt ceiling was a horrible idea. It’s like Marcus keeps reminding me: no matter what the reality, I was proven right. We should have just tossed out everyone the liberal leeches who don’t pay taxes. Yep, them. And all those welfare queens who make thousands of dollars a month for doing nothing, and then never pay taxes. Don’t those minority sponges poor women realize that they don’t have to give birth to the little snots angels to get money. I took in 467 foster children for the monthly check, and I could return them when they got too big.

After all, we made our money the hard way – with Medicare payments to our homo-no-more mental health clinic. Praise Jesus! That and the farm subsidies we get from Uncle Sam.

Obummer (still fun!) wants to cut our military. He wants to cut defense spending back to nothing. None of our soldiers will get paid and Russia will invade us. You know what they’ll do? They’ll put in those light bulbs that kill pets, poison our drinking water with Fluoride, and give guns to more colored people ’undesirables’ and we’ll all be slaves to someone named Vladimir. Maybe that’s Obummer’s plan. After all, I heard on the radio that he was trained by the KGB when he was a kid. Or maybe I read it in World Net Daily. I love that paper, they tell the truth about everything-the fake birth certificate, the FACT that the illegal Muslim president is really a Russian spy, all of it.

I won the Iowa straw poll, just like I knew I would. T-Paw crumbled like a cookie, just like I knew he would. And then Ricky Perry announced HE’S running. I don’t think so. I’ll destroy him just like I did Timmy. None of them can beat me. I’m pretty, I’m smart and white freedom loving Christian HOMO fearing Americans love me. They proved that on my bus tour. OH! Speaking of bus tours, that frigid white trash moron, Sarah Palin, drove her bus into IOWA the weekend of the straw poll. Seriously. If she thinks she can steal MY thunder, she’s out of her mind. No one pays any attention to her anymore, except Sean Hannity. Which reminds me, I need to give him a call and remind him about those photos from Singapore with that “flight attendant”.

Dear Lord, thank you for making me so perfect and for keeping me strong when Steve King and I were on the tour. Lord, he is the most masculine man I have ever known, but I love my Marcus, and I will be true to our friendship marriage. Thank you for showing the white Christian Americans the light and making them vote for me. I will be the best president in the whole world, and I will give speeches that put Kennedy’s “The Buck Stops Here” speech to shame. And, hopefully, this whole Perry THING will go away. I’ll make it go away if I have to. LOL! Seriously.

Diary, time to sleep. I’m so tired today. Between celebrating Elvis’s birthday, teaching Marcus to dance and dealing with my poison ivy, I’m exhausted. I wish I knew how I got poison ivy on my scalp. Maybe it had something to do with all those little squirrel skeletons…who knows.

XOXOXOXOXOXO,
President of Godlandia,
Michele Bachmann

© Erin Nanasi 2011