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Friday, December 30, 2011

Girl Scouts of America: Lefty, Socialist Baby Killers

Girl Scouts of America: Lefty, Socialist Baby Killers

The Bachmann Diaries: Hell Hath No Fury

Dear Shelly's Diary,

Hello, it's Marcus. I'm going to rip this page out when I'm done, but I need to vent. It's now 3:15 in the morning, and Shelly is in the backyard. Yesterday, she left to go on a drive. She said she needed to think. When she returned almost TEN HOURS LATER, she had two huge shopping bags and animals in cages. I think there's a chicken, a dove, a pigeon and maybe a rat or really big mouse. In cages. She stormed into the bedroom, locked the door, and I heard rustling and thumping, like she was pulling things out of those bags. She was also swearing. A lot.

I tried to calm her down. I made her this drink I learned about on the You Tube called a pousse-cafe. It's French, and it's really pretty. I had to buy a ton of liquor to make it, but I watched the video five times, and I learned it perfectly. It's layered and when it's done, it looks like a rainbow. It tastes pretty strange, but I thought after 2 or 3, Shelly wouldn't notice the taste very much. So, I made one. She threw it at me.

Thank you SO MUCH, Kent, you evil betrayer! How much did they pay you? You cheap whore, I bet all they had to do was shove a ten dollar bill down your K-Mart gaberdine pants and you lit up like a Christmas tree. You lied to my WIFE, you lied to me, you lied to Shelly's millions of faithful followers, to do what-join the campaign of a man who wants Iran to blow up the world and looks like Gullum?

Sorry. Those bags contained a book called "The Necronomicon", a book called "The Satanic Bible" by Anton LaVey, a guide to taxidermy, a huge dagger covered in some sort of gold leaf and amethysts and diagrams of Hell. I locked myself in the bathroom when I saw all that. Shelly took all the candles in the house, put on some long black robe with a hood, grabbed the cages, the books and that dagger, and went outside about an hour ago. She's carving something into the grass and reciting Latin poetry or something. I think she killed the chicken. I hope so, because I'm starving.

She has that damn gun out there, too. The AR-15. She did something to it and laughed when she yelled "It's an automatic now, BITCHES!" I have no idea what to do. I think she's turning to the dark side, and I just am not brave enough to handle this. She's supposed to be going hunting with Steve King (I hate him), but if she's really trying to summon Satan or something, I think we'll have to postpone that trip. Maybe I can sneak out there and hit her with a rock. Just to knock her out, and get her back inside, then I can call the doctor. Oh, Lord, tell me what to do!

I'll be back-going to try and subdue her. I wish I had some Thorazine, that would knock out an elephant.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: Liars Are Everywhere!

Dear Diary,

My campaign sent out an email, asking people in South Carolina for their support. We received thousands of replies, all from people who love me and want me to be Queen of Godlandia. (President is the OFFICIAL word we use.) Except one horrible, evil, probably HOMO person named Tyler Jones. Tyler Jones is a Democrat! We call them dumbocrats here at the house! He said that he wanted to help with the campaign, but he works for the other side. What a horrible person. I hope Jesus punishes him. PLUS, Alice had to release a statement to the media, saying that he was not a supporter and he LIED about liking me. How can anyone not like me? What a JERK!

Diary, I am the only candidate willing to take on Obummer when it comes to socialism. He wants the government to pay for poor people and the rich to pay more taxes. The government should never pay for poor people! If you don't have money, then MOVE. Leave your kids though, we have a plan for them. Not the stupid janitor idea from Newt Gingrich, no, we don't need more janitors. What we need are more Americans working at American companies. Like Hormel. They make SPAM, which really is yummy. But, all of the people who work at their plant in Minnesota are Mexicans! Why? That's so stupid. Kids could do those jobs-cutting up pigs and whatever else goes into SPAM, hosing down the floors, packing the meat (I think?) into those darling little cans. Kids can pick fruit and wash cars and do all sorts of jobs that illegals only do. We send all the illegals back to Peru or wherever and BAM, more American jobs.

And when there are no more illegals, we can work on the welfare mothers who drive around in super expensive cars while collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars a month in welfare. Did you know you can buy a car with food stamps? Tamara says you can, and she was right about the toasters and the turtles, so I know she's right about this. When I am queen, we won't have welfare, we'll have work camps. If you have a heartbeat, you can work. I worked when I was 3 years old, so everyone else can too.

A miracle happened! That girl I didn't recognize turned out to be my daughter! It was amazing-she doesn't look anything like me, but we took a pop can she'd been drinking and tested it for DNA. I can't be too careful, you know. Now that I am tied with that IDIOT Ron Paul, more and more people will probably come forward, claiming to be our children so they can come live in the White House. But, she is really our daughter. Now, I just have to remember her name.

The new neighbors moved in! They are really nice, but they're sort of weird. They have these hybrid cars, and all these recycle cans in the backyard, and they are putting solar panels up on the roof. They also have a HUGE dog. Marcus says it's an English massive something and it's the size of a bear. I hope I don't try and do anything to it, that thing would eat me. Plus it drools. Blech.

We had a small fire in the living room Monday night. We needed new drapes...sorry, I have to call them window treatments...anyway, so we will order some silk fabric from China and Choo Yee can sew them. We don't have to pay her extra for that, we just tell her we're not having her deported. I guess I was using a candle for light to see outside and got a little too close to one of the curtains. It turns out that I am not burying anything, I'm digging something up. Maybe it's a time capsule! I hope it's something fun, because it's really taking a toll on my manicure.

Time to Google my name! I love being me, and I will love being Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia!


Friday, December 23, 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: Merry Christmas from Godlandia

Dear Diary,

I visited The Hamburg Inn yesterday in Iowa City. I had so much fun! People were super sweet, and they even played Christmas Carols. There was one strange thing-a man dressed up like a robot. I don't know what he was doing, but Marcus thinks he was looking for a comic book convention. Some of those awful socialist left wing traitors from the Occupy movement were there, but my amazing security got rid of them lickety split. I love watching communists run!

We have two new ads that are just clips of Real Americans talking about how wonderful I am. One of my children, or foster children, is in one of the ads, I didn't recognize her, but Alice swears she's my daughter. She's voting for me, so sure, welcome to the family! The other folks talk about how pro-life I am, and that I am for the people. I wish someone had said "just not the HOMOS", but we'll take what we can get at this point.

Most people like that I am a Christian, unlike YOU KNOW WHO. This is a Christian country, and when I am Queen of Godlandia, I will make sure that all white, Christian children pray in school. I am even writing a bill that I will pass to make Christianity the official religion of America! I'm so excited-this is why our Founding Fathers came over here from England. I mean, who wants to be forced to be a non-Christian Protestant!?

Marcus and I decorated the Christmas tree and lit all the candles in the living room. We have to keep the candles away from the curtains because I seem to be opening the windows at night to crawl out onto the front lawn. I'm burying something under the big elm tree by the driveway, I just can't remember what it is. We will open our presents from the Baby Jesus on Christmas Eve, then Marcus has to go visit a friend who just got in from Germany. He sells those educational DVD's that Marcus watches late at night. OH! Marcus made the most wonderful brownies! He calls them Shelly's Schnapps, and they are fabulous! He crushed up little peppermint candies and mixed them with the frosting. I can't stop eating them!

Diary, my present for Marcus is perfect! I got us a two week vacation on a cattle ranch in Wyoming! His favorite movie is "Brokeback Mountain", which he says is too violent for me to watch, but it's all about cattle ranching and cowboys! I think he's going to be so excited!

Merry Christmas! (No one will be able to say anything BUT Merry Christmas when I am Queen of Godlandia!)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Queen Michele

© Erin Nanasi, 2011

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Irony Is:

10) Rick Perry wearing the jacket from "Brokeback Mountain" in his "Strong" ad.

9) Newt Gingrich promoting family values and decrying gay marriage.

8) Mitt Romney being anti-discrimination and anti-equality in the same sentence.

7) Ron Paul wanting to run a government he wants to destroy.

6) Michele Bachmann hating homosexuals when she is obviously married to one.

5) Rick Santorum's flaming Christianity while comparing gay marriage to bestiality.

4) Gloria Cain standing by her man, even while she describes how he stalked her.

3) John Boehner claiming to be creating jobs by protecting the 1%.

2) Bill O'Reilly has a journalism degree.

1) Rep. Sensenbrenner saying First Lady Michele Obama has a "big butt."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

John Boehner's Political Incontinence


John Boehner has lost complete control of the House, his own staff and , most importantly, his bladder. Rumors have been swirling over the past week that ever since Boehner switched his position on the tax cut extensions three times, his bladder has "collapsed from the stress", as one anonymous staff member said. Boehner has been smoking almost a pack of unfiltered Camels daily and his morning coffee is more often than not laced with gin.

As his career flails, John Boehner, again according to anonymous sources (one Dr. Zhivago-Kohn of Cedars Sinai), has seemingily lost complete control over his urination, frequently bringing 6-10 changes of pants into his office and at least once, urinating on a German chancellor's aide's Cole Haan loafers. Dr. Zhivago-Kohn is not treating Boehner, but has seen these symptoms before.

"It's happening to Ashton Kutcher right now, and many of George Clooney's ex girlfriends have suffered bladder shutdown for a bit after being dumped." Dr Zhivago-Kohn recommends that Boehner seek medical attention immediately, before his incontinence becomes more frequent and increases in output amount. Again, Dr. Zhivago-Kohn:

"It's one thing to have a little accident every once in a while, it's quite another when you urinate all over the vice president or secretary of state. He needs to get this under control before he pisses all over a press conference."

If John Boehner treats this crisis the same way he has treated the economic crisis, odds are, he will ignore the problem, blame his bladder malfunction on the Democrats, then go outside and pee in the Rose Garden.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: What do you mean, I won it for Mitt Romney?!

Dear Diary,

I will never, ever wear false eyelashes again as long as I live. Marcus had a former client who used to be in the entertainment business who gave us all his old makeup. Some of it was disgusting, but he did have 5 packs of false eyelashes. I asked Marcus why a man had makeup, and Marcus explained to me what a "drag queen" is. EW! I would never be able to do Marcus's job, spending time with all those degenerates and sinners. Jesus never spent time with sinners.

Oh, the eyelashes. Marcus suggested I wear them to the debate last Thursday. He said they would make my eyes look even bigger and more innocent. No, what they did was clump together at the sides, and I spent the whole night squinting and then opening them really wide, trying to get them unstuck. PLUS I used this plumping lip gloss from Mexico, and my mouth felt like a million bees were attacking me. But, I saw a picture of myself, and I did look really pretty. Which is what matters.

Diary, I went after Newt Gingrich with both barrels for his $1.6 MIILION earned by being a lobbyist for Freddie Mae. Historian my eyelashes. He went to really important Republicans and TOLD THEM to support Fannie Mac. If that's not lobbying, I don't know what is. What the heck did a corrupt mortgage company need an historian for? David Barton is an historian, NOT Newt Gingrich.

So, I got up Friday, expecting to see my name listed as the winner, but what I read was that I won it for ROMNEY?!?!?!? How did the stupid liberal media come up with that one? I nailed it! Ron Paul called me a liar, and I didn't back down. Stupid garden gnome. I read that U.N. report about Iran and Hezbollah building missile silos in Kansas to blow up Canada, he can go straight to hell.

Marcus is being so supportive, even when I get a little angry at the lies being told about me in the liberal media. He knows I don't want to drink anymore, so he enrolled in a few baking classes at the community college. After those wonderful raspberry brownie thingies, I can't believe he made something even better! Chocolate truffles with rum extract. No rum. They taste like they have real rum in them, but Marcus says they don't, my dizziness is because of the sugar. Okie dokie! I love him so much, he's a wonderful husband.

That other guy showed up to the debate. He's really thin, and super tan, and I wish I could remember his name. They introduced him, and I think he's running for president, but he could have just been there to help with the lights.

Diary, the worst part about all this is that my poll numbers are down. I mean, Romney actually told a HOMO Vietnam Veteran that he wouldn't ever support HOMOS marrying. That takes balls. I think I will find a HOMO pride parade, and make a speech about them all being from Satan. Maybe that would help. What do I have to do? I'm right about Iran and Hezbollah, I promised to close our embassies in Iran and North Korea, I hate everyone Jesus hates and He visits me at night and tells me I'm the best candidate. Shit.

The house next door is for sale. Our neighbors suddenly moved in the middle of the night, and they left the check Marcus wrote them in our mailbox. I hope the new neighbors don't have a poodle.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia

© Erin Nanasi 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Gingrich Receives Key Endorsement

In what some in the political arena are calling a shock, Gary Busey, Academy Award winner and avid motorcyclist, has abandoned Donald Trump in favor of Newt Gingrich. When asked why he changed horses, Busey responded "I found a flower next to a recycling container that touched my soul. So I ate it." Busey then darted behind a doughnut shop and proceeded to bark like a dog.

The Donald didn't seem phased by Busey's actions, telling The New York Weekly Pox he knew Busey would dump him after he was fired from Trump's pseudo reality show "Celebrity Apprentice." Trump believes Busey is a "good guy, with a good heart, and almost half a brain."

Newt Gingrich had this to say about the endorsement:

"Is that the weird guy on that cable show about stupid drivers who always looks high and one eye is staring off in a different direction? Or am I thinking of Leif Garrett?"

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Bachmann Diaries: Uh Oh

Dear Diary,

I think I may have to cut back on the vitamin drinks Marcus has been giving me. He says there's not a lot of alcohol in them, but the other day, I said something out loud that I've been told NOT to say out loud. I said that I would not mind breaking up Spanish families and dragging those illegals onto buses in front of their kids. Now, that's 100% true, but Alice and Tamara and everyone else told me never to say that to anyone. Sort of like Obummer-I can think it, but I can't say it. My main problem is that those vitamin drinks are super sweet, so Marcus came up with a solution. He's baking me treats now! His first cookie is called Chambord Fudge Cookie Bars. Marcus says chambord is French for raspberry, and that these cookies don't have any alcohol in them at all. Isn't he wonderful? I've had seven so far, so I'll break out the Thigh Master later!

On Saturday, ABC and Yahoo held a debate. Someone was missing, but I can't remember his name. Marcus sat in the audience, and he looked so cute. He's using this self tanning lotion from Switzerland made out of sheep bladders or something, and his skin is so smooth. The moderators were Diane Sawyer and some foreign guy named Jorge. People sent questions to the Yahoo website for us to answer, and one of the questions was "Have any of you ever been poor and had to make sacrifices?" I won. Perry tried to sound poor, but it sounded so fake. Like anyone grows up without running water. Ron Paul told some story about his wife working so he could go to medical school. That's so stupid. Marcus got his medical degree online, so why couldn't Ron Paul? I asked Marcus that, and he reminded me that when Ron Paul went to college, there weren't even cars, much less computers.

I told my story about my horrible childhood, and having to work when I was 13 to support my entire family. My story was realistic and something a lot of people can relate to, not like Romney who admitted he has NEVER been poor, or had to sacrifice, in fact he's so rich he tried to make a BET with Rick Perry for $10,000. Right there on the stage. I almost fainted. That might have been the six Long Island Ice Teas, though. No alcohol, but a lot of sugar, according to Marcus. Well, shit, then don't give me a pitcher you jerks. I sometimes think my staff is trying to kill me. Diary, Jesus loves me, and I know everyone in Godlandia loves me, but I get the feeling that some people in my life want me dead. Isn't that weird? Rick Santorum was so MEAN, Diary. he said his life was perfect because he had a mom AND a dad. I only had a mom, and I am way more perfect than he is, and he's a horrible person because he and wife killed that baby and I'm a lot prettier. It's not fair. These cookies are really good.

Then the Des Moines Register asked if voters should not vote for someone who cheated on their spouse. That question was given to everyone, but you know who it was about. Newt Gingrich. He's on his third wife! THIRD! And she's super pretty and like 45 years younger than he is, but he is such a huge cheater! I think he would make a horrible president, because if he can cheat on all those wives, he'll cheat on America.

We had to talk about who the most conservative candidate was, and Rick Santorum really pissed me off. I talked about leading 125,000 people to the Capitol to fight Obamacare, and how I hate immigrants and how I didn't ever vote for TARP I wish I knew what that stood for I thought I was voting to keep the roof on the White House from being replaced with a tarp, but it turns out I was voting against helping save a bunch of banks which SUCKS because I love rich people, and Santorum said yes it's good to fight but it's better to WIN. Is he kidding me? I win all the time! I spent more money than anyone else in the country on my last election and I kicked ass, thanks to people who hate HOMOS as much as I do and Jesus. I was considering him for my vice president, but he can go to hell after that comment. Asshole.

Newt Gingrich said Palestinians are not real people. I agree. Maybe he's been drinking Marcus's vitamin drinks, because that is so NOT something you're supposed to say out loud. People can't ever figure out why we support and love Israel-Jesus, can you imagine what would happen?

I'm not going to Donald Trump's debate on the 27th. I prayed about it, and Jesus told me not to. I was in the backyard, dismembering a ferret at about 2 am, and He appeared. He sat next to me, and whispered in my ear for a few minutes. He told me Donald Trump wants to be president, and if I went to that debate, it would be the end of my run for Queen of Godlandia. Then Jesus gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, and floated back up to Heaven. It was wonderful. He didn't even mention the ferret. Oh my gosh, I've eaten 10 of these cookies! They must have a lot of sugar in them, because I feel super weird right now.

They dug up Geronimo. Marcus told me not to worry, and wrote them a huge check. If they talk about this, we're going to have them deported. We think they're Chinese.

xoxoxoxoxoxo Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia

© Erin Nanasi 2011