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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Louie Gohmert's Going Greek

Ladies and gentlemen, Louie Gohmert has figured it all out. Why we have to bring back DADT, why we cannot have LGBT in the military, and why I need a spa day. Yes, it's the Greeks. No, not the Geeks, the Greeks. As in Trojans. No, not the condoms.

According to Louie, Greeks got gay massages before battle, which made them weak against ISIS. What is a gay massage? I mean, I've gotten a massage from a female masseuse; was that a gay massage? Do gay massages take place in the way-back room of a bar called The Saloon? Has Louie Louie had a gay massage? With Marcus "Totally Straight" Bachmann?

This of course also begs the question: Are ISIS illegal immigrants, pregnant with terror babies, and infected with Ebola, coming to our shores to give gay massages, and thus destroy this country? Honestly, if you close one eye, you can hear Dear Louie starting down that path.

Lest anyone think I am casting aspersions on Louie's asparagus, perish the thought. I love asparagus. I am casting aspersions on Louie Gohmert, because I think he's really and truly insane. He believes the fetid shit that falls from his lips, and the fringe that is now the GOP thinks he's fab.

Please enjoy (?) the video; I have to go buy crab legs with food stamps.


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Bachmann Diaries: Operation Savior



Dear Diary,

After a long talk Saturday night, and a pitcher of Drambouie, Marcus and I have decided to look into our options if the liberals get their way, and I am indicted. I think this is a huge waste of time, since I didn't do anything wrong, but Marcus is the man of the house, and whatever he says goes.

Marcus went online, and after a lot of research, discovered a way for us to do a couple of really neat things. We can change our identity, get plastic surgery (because given how gorgeous I am, how famous I am all over the world, and how handsome Marcus is, we would need to look completely different), and hire a hitman, and we can pay for all of it with game tokens! They're called Bit Coins, and Marcus and I are pretty sure those are the little fake coins kids use at Chuck E Cheese. So, Sunday at about 3 AM, we broke into a Chuck E Cheese in Blaine, and stole 10 boxes of Bit Coins.

In order to buy all these things, Marcus had to download something called TOR. TOR stands for The Onion Router, and according to what I've seen so far, it makes absolutely no sense. None of the websites are dot com, or dot org, or dot gov-they're all dot onion. I thought it was all about cooking at first, until Marcus explained it to me.

This turns out to be the Deep Web. According to information Marcus got from our former pool boy, the Deep Web has lots of websites you can't find using the Google. You can't just type in "find a hitman to kill a DOJ lawyer" on the normal internet, but on the Deep Web, you can. And you'll find one! Marcus found at least 6 people who will kill someone for those Bit Coin game tokens. I had no idea game tokens were so popular.

You can buy a social security card, which explains how all those illegals are able to steal white people's American jobs. I mean, most of them probably work at places like Chuck E Cheese, so of course, they would have unlimited access to Bit Coins. We will be buying new identities to protect ourselves from the horrible liberals in Obummer's DOJ, not to steal high-paying jobs from patriots.

Diary, this is obviously an attempt to keep me from becoming Queen of Godlandia, but Marcus really thinks we should be prepared, just in case. I am not going to a FEMA death camp, and you and I both know that's exactly what will happen if the stupid liberals get their way. And Marcus couldn't survive without me. Oh, he'd have all his male model clients, but would they wax his back? I don't think so.

I spent a few hours searching the Deep Web this morning. I found some pretty neat stuff, including a pair of shoes made out of tiger fur, and a purse accessorized with something called "conflict diamonds." When I asked Marcus what those were, he told me they were diamonds from a Christian mine in South Africa, owned by our very own Pat Robertson! They're called "conflict diamonds" because Pat is always fighting with horrible African Muslims who want to take over his Christian mine, and turn it into a training camp for ISIS.

There are some scary sites on the Deep Web, too. You can buy people, which I guess isn't so bad, if you're looking for domestic help, but I think you can buy children. Again, okay for help around the house, just not okay for you know. That's kind of creepy. Lots and lots of PORN sites, which is disgusting. I never look at porn, and neither does Marcus. Those videos he gets from Germany are educational only.

We still haven't chosen our hypothetical destination. I want to go somewhere warm, with a limited government, lots of poor people I can rule over, and tons of guns. Marcus wants to go to Greece. Greece. Yes, it's warm, but it's all socialists and HOMOS. I mean, GREECE is pretty much the gayest place in the world, other than San Francisco. When I brought that up, Marcus revealed something about himself I never knew, never would have even guessed, but it makes so much sense. He told me he has a dream of converting every HOMO man to being normal, and finding them all a wife as perfect as I am. I'll admit it, I teared up. I was just glad he didn't tell me he was gay.

Back to the TOR. We've found everything we need, except we're having some trouble getting addresses so we can mail out the Bit Coins. I get that it's the Deep Web, but how do these people expect to get paid?

Hugs and kisses-Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia (or Somalia)


Monday, October 6, 2014

Todd Kincannon's newest Twitter horror-fest

Todd Kincannon's Twitter response to the UCSB killings

Oh Todd Kincannon. Once upon a time, your mother held you to her chest, and murmured sweet words into your tiny ears. You marveled at the stars, you laughed at dandelion fuzz, you were innocent and filled with love and joy. Then...well, no one knows what happened except you, but you became an angry man, filled with hate and derision. Now the name Todd Kincannon brings with it a sense of disbelief, and a feeling of shame for having read anything you write or speak, or even think.

I tackled Todd Kincannon (not literally) in an article entitled "Former GOP director Todd Kincannon's Twitter feed is the most awful thing ever." Some C-list actor named Nick Searcy, who is a huge fan of Kincannon, took issue with the entire article, because as we should all know, Todd's just trying to be "funny." When he wrote awful things about Trayvon Martin, he was trying to be funny. When Todd wrote Wendy Davis was born with a "silver dick" in her mouth, he was trying to be funny. When Todd wrote that all transgender people should be locked away in mental hospitals, he was trying to be funny. Geez, you people (thanks, Queen Ann Romney), dontcha have a sense of humor?

Except he's not funny. He's mean, and cruel, and heartless, and ignorant, and pretty much just a horrible person. Case in point: Todd's most recent Twitter comments on Ebola. Take a deep breath.



As my friend Jackie so eloquently stated: "Ok now that's friggin' ridiculous. The 'rabid pro-lifer' wants to euthanize sick people? SMH."  In Todd Kincannon's hate-filled world, the only way to deal with Ebola is to A) "humanely" put patients down, B) "Napalm" villages (I assume he means Texas?), and C) "immediate humane execution."

You know what this all sounds like? The movie "Outbreak." Dustin Hoffman plays a scientist/Army officer with longer hair than any Army officer I know, working for USAMRID. Morgan Freeman plays his boss, and Donald Sutherland plays Morgan Freeman's boss. Kevin Spacey might die; he gets sick, then we never see him again. And there's a scene in the beginning of the film where an entire African village is bombed to contain/keep a horrible virus a secret. 

Someone needs to tell Todd Kincannon that "Outbreak" was fiction. Not real. You can't actually murder people who are ill, or slaughter entire villages because they might be a hot zone. As for his "strong transmission vector" idiocy, those problems arise in Africa, not here. In the United States, we have people specially trained to care for Ebola patients, scientists and physicians who understand what to do, and what not to do. But I don't think Todd Kincannon wants to kill Americans, I think he wants to kill Africans. Because among all the other horrible things Todd Kincannon is, he's also a racist.

Ebola is scary. Not as scary as smallpox, however. There are only two places we know of that have samples of smallpox: The CDC here in the U.S., and the State Research Centre of Virology and Biotechnology in Russia. I'm reading a book, "The Demon in the Freezer," by Richard Preston. It details the eradication of smallpox, and posits that there could very well be countries working on bio-terrorism using smallpox. Remember, a few countries never signed the ban against bio-weapons.

Todd Kincannon is a horrible person, on that many can agree. His fans tend to do interesting things when someone takes Todd to the proverbial woodshed, like hack Twitter accounts, stalk, harass, and use language that would make a merchant marine say "Hey now, none of that." Which makes perfect sense. Who else defends a bully and a hate monger, whose latest Tweet fest calls for murder, but other bullies and hate mongers?

If you want to keep up with actual information about Ebola, follow the CDC on Facebook. I wouldn't suggest following Todd Kincannon on Twitter, unless you have a very strong stomach.

H/T to writer and artist Jim Wright, for the screenshot of Kincannon's comments.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Who is Republican Jesus?



I often joke that right-wing Christians worship Republican Jesus. But recently, given some of the things conservatives have been saying, my mind has begun asking who is Republican Jesus? How can they worship a Messiah who is so far removed from the actual one?

In order to understand this, I had to open up my Bible. My mom "made" this Bible: she covered it with felt and attached hand-written tabs to all the chapters. It's over thirty years old, and while I don't read the Bible very often, it makes me happy to have it on a shelf. Tucked into the back is the last birthday card my maternal grandfather sent me before his death, and during my "evangelical" period (long story), I scribbled notes in the margins. Okay, look, my "evangelical" period involved a very hunky assistant pastor named Gary, who my cousin later married. He turned out to be a child molester, and shot himself with his service revolver while sitting in his police car. True story.

Where was I...right, the actual Jesus. Here are some things the actual Jesus said:

Luke 6: 9-35: "To the man who slaps you on one cheek, present the other cheek too; to the man who takes your cloak from you, do not refuse your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and do not ask for your property back from the man who robs you. Treat others as you would like them to treat you. If you love those who love you, what thanks can you expect? Even sinners love those who love them, And if you do good to those who do good to you, what thanks can you expect? Even sinners lend to sinners to get back the same amount. Instead, love your enemies and do good, and lend without any hope of return. You will have a great reward, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked."

In other words, be nice, don't do things just to be thanked or acknowledged, and love everyone the way you would like to be loved. When Kevin Williamson Tweeted that women who have abortions should be "hanged," I'm pretty sure he was doing the exact opposite of what Jesus says in the passage above. When Michele Bachmann bellowed the U.S is waging a spiritual war against all of Islam, well, you get the picture.

Luke 16:13-"No servant can be the slave of two masters; he will hate the first and love the second, or treat the first with respect and the second with scorn, You cannot be the slave of both God and of money."

Joel Osteen, John Hagee, Joyce Meyer, Pat Robertson, and so many other mega-church pastors seem to have forgotten this. Osteen has a private jet. Robertson pals around with actual terrorists, despots, dictators, and warlords, and don't forget his diamond mine that uses child slave labor.

Luke 17:4: "If your brother does something wrong, reprove him and, if he is sorry, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times a day and seven times comes back to you and says "I am sorry." you must forgive him.

Conservative Christians don't forgive. They wallow in hate and anger, screaming from the rooftops about the "evil" people who are destroying this country. Evil people like the poor. Actual Jesus had quite a bit to say about the rich, and the poor.

Matthew 19: 23-25: "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'I tell you solemnly, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Yes, I tell you again, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.' "

Matthew 25:35-40: "For I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink; I was a stranger and you made me welcome; naked and you clothed me, sick and you visited me, in prison and you came to see me. Then the virtuous will say to him in reply, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you; or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and make you welcome; naked and clothe you; sick or in prison and go to see you?' And the King will answer, 'I tell you solemnly, in so far as you did this to the least of these brothers of mine, you did it for me.' "

When Fox "News" mocks the poor, when conservative politicians advocate cuts in programs that help feed hungry children, when Rick Perry refused to adopt federal standards that would have helped reduce prison rape, when representatives find the money for war, but never to help veterans, they are worshiping Republican Jesus.

Republican Jesus hates all the people actual Jesus loves. Republican Jesus wears a pinstripe suit, and expensive loafers. And he agrees with Kevin Williamson, Michele Bachmann, Tony Perkins, Pat Roberston, and all the rest. He despises the poor, the LGBT community, single mothers and fathers. He calls people like me "libtards," and supports the Second Amendment. Republican Jesus thinks President Obama should be impeached for governing while black.

One problem-Republican Jesus doesn't exist. The Jesus I and millions of other normal Christians believe in is filled with love and empathy and tolerance and peace. He's not some wannabe Klan member, armed to the teeth, wearing a confederate belt buckle. The Jesus I love has dark skin, brown eyes, long hair, is dirt poor, and if he came back today, conservative Christians would nail him right back up on that tree.

Let's end on this rather ironic note. Most conservative Christians believe in some form of End Times mythology. What I find so odd is they want this to happen, even though their behavior and beliefs match those of the Pharisees the actual Jesus rebuked.

What could possibly go wrong?


Saturday, September 27, 2014

The Bachmann Diaries: My Value Voters Summit speech

Image from Raw Story


Dear Diary,

The Value Voters Valued Voting Values Voter Summit ends tomorrow, and it has been a wonderful experience as usual. Marcus and I believe that my speech practically guarantees I will be the next "President" of this great Christian nation. Once I am, I will implement my plans to clean up this country, and return it to the values we hold dear. Lower taxes for the Koch family job creators, a Holy War to convert all Muslims to Christianity, and probably the Jews, too, no regulations on business, and of course, we have to repeal the minimum wage and Obamacare.

My speech was the most well-received one at the Summit. Oh Holy God, Sarah Palin gave one, and in that awful, whiny voice of hers, said the address of the White House is "1400 Pennsylvania Avenue." This was the woman that John McCain chose to be his vice presidential candidate, and she doesn't even know where the vice president LIVES. I wanted to strangle her. But she flipped her Las Vegas hooker hair, and the crowd loved it. Honestly, how stupid are the peasants who attend this thing?

Luckily, the dumb people left to go eat Mexican food, and my fans filled the audience for my speech. As you know, Diary, my Twits are some of the smartest people in the world, and I knew I had to give a rousing, patriotic, and angry speech. We are angry! Look at what that socialist, communist, African Nazi has done to this great nation. White police officers are being attacked by giant colored black men, and when those brave officers defend themselves by shooting those giant black men over and over and over again, the officers are blamed. What kind of country is this?

I took the stage with my perfect highlights, wearing a stylish suit, a triple strand of small pearls, and I knocked it out of the ballpark. Given my extensive experience in the intelligence community, especially my secret trips to Iran with Dr. David Duke, I think I have unique insight into how Obummer isn't doing a thing about Islam. I told my audience I have had a front seat to a world on fire, and I have. Islam is the greatest danger our country has ever known, other than the Nazis and the Viet Cong. And Stalin. Grunge music. The pot. LIBERALS. And we have a president who is a Muslim, so why are we expecting him to do anything about other Muslims?

There is no such thing as "moderate Muslims." All Muslims are terrorists, just like Bill O'Reilly, and Brian Kilmeade said. I have never met a "moderate Muslim" in my life. Yes, I know Keith Ellison claims to be one, but I have my doubts. After all, if he really was a "moderate Muslim," why would he live in the whitest state in the country? To blow it up, obviously. Anthony Weiner's wife's father's third cousin's auto mechanic was in the Muslim Brotherhood, but no one took me seriously when I tried to get her deported before she murdered half of Congress.

I cried to the Heavens and to the audience that we need our 1980's foreign policy back! We need to go back to President Ronald Reagan's policy of peace through war, strength through war, and diplomacy through war. We don't want four Americans dead in Benghazi, we want 300 Marines dead in Beirut! we want a president who was a soldier we want a president who understands that America is the greatest country in the world!

Obummer lifts sanctions in Iran while Iran stockpiles nuclear weapons to use against the United States. I saw them when Dr. Duke and I were there, trying to blow up our embassy. Obummer hates Israel. Now, it's perfectly okay to hate the Jews, because they killed Our Lord Jesus Christ, but we can't hate Israel. Israel needs to be a state so the End Times can occur, and all the true believers can ascend into Heaven, while the non-believers writhe in eternal flames. Just like Tim LaHaye's book, which is now a movie!

Muslims want their religion forced into every country in the world. What kind of person believes that a religion based on violence, fear, child molesting, incest, and murder is a good one? Christianity is based on a loving God, who punishes His children with plagues and death because He cares. I will admit, the Old Testament is a little confusing, because on the one hand, incest can't be right, but I vaguely recall some guy's daughters getting him drunk then having sex with him. And that whole shrimp thing...well, thank goodness for Jesus, or we'd have to follow all those awful laws in Leviticus! Of course, the one about HOMOS is forever.

My platform for Queen of Godlandia is simple, Diary. Christianity as the only true religion, kill all Muslims (except our plumber), convert the Jews so they can rise to Heaven with the rest of us when Jesus comes back, get rid of our embassies in Iran and North Korea, repeal everything, and go back to a simpler time when every other nation feared us, and we had all the bombs.

Super excited to hear Todd Starnes speak later today! He is such an amazing man, so kind and loving, such a fantastic example of a true Christian. And he hates HOMOS!

I'll write more next week. Hugs and kisses, Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Bachmann Diaries: Phyllis Schlafly is my Heroine



Dear Diary,

World Net Daily, one of the only sources for true journalism left in America, asked me to make a video honoring Phyllis Schlafly. Mrs. Schlafly is, as you know, one of my heroines. I told her she was one of my heroes while we were both attending a John Birch luncheon, and she hit me in the forehead with a shrimp fork. I'll never forget what she said. "Missy, I am a woman through and through. That makes me a heroine!" Then she threw that fork at me.

Phyllis Schlafly is a member of the DAR, or Daughters of the American Revolution. When she first joined, the DAR didn't allow colored black members. Which made sense. There weren't any black people in the American Revolution, so how could there be black Daughters of the American Revolution? Mrs. Schlafly misses those days, when white people had their own groups, and black people had their own groups, and everyone got along just fine. 

I want to write down some of Phyllis's quotes that I love. She is so wise, and loving, such an amazing Christian, and I can come back to this diary whenever I need her words to give me comfort.

"Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortions."

See how wise she is? She is absolutely right. I didn't know anything about sex when I married Marcus, and we have a perfectly normal marriage.

"The worst censors are those prohibiting criticism of the theory of evolution in the classroom."

Oh how I agree with this. Creationism is the truth, straight from the Bible, which as all real Christians know, was written by Holy God. Evolution is a lie. If we "evolved" from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?

"Sexual harassment on the job is not a problem for virtuous women."

It's like she's reading my mind. When a woman goes to work (and she really shouldn't if she has little ones at home) dressed up like a streetwalker, what in the world does she expect to happen? Men are only human, and if you wave your bosoms and buttocks at them all day, every day, of course they're going to say something! Thank goodness Marcus never notices those tramps.

Speaking on her radio show, Mrs. Schlafly addressed domestic violence by saying (and again, it's like she and I are sharing a brain):

"So what's the answer for women who worry about male violence? It's not to fear all men. It's to reject the lifestyle of frequent 'hookups,' which is so much promoted on college campuses today, while the women pursue a career and avoid marriage."

I was a proud virgin when Marcus and I got married, and so was he. He swore to me he had never been with another woman, and I believed him. If women would just get married instead of working, everything would be much better. If Marcus hadn't told me to go get a degree, I would have stayed home. But we all know who wears the pants in a marriage!

Diary, I adore Phyllis Schlafly so very much. It was an honor to make this video, and be able to share how influential she has been not only here in America, but all over the world. If it wasn't for her, the Evil Empire of the Soviet Union would still be around, and we wouldn't have a good Christian like Vladimir Putin in office.

I have to get going because Marcus is coming home from Miami this evening, and I promised we would watch "Cabaret." I don't really understand that movie, but Marcus just loves Michael York.

Hugs and kisses-Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia!



Saturday, September 6, 2014

Erick Erickson, Conservative Denial, and the Minimum Wage



Erick Erickson, while filling in for Rush Limbaugh last week, spent part of his time addressing minimum wage. He parroted the usual conservative talking points on abolishing minimum wage, but he said something else that many people found telling. Erick Erickson stated the minimum wage is "mostly people who failed at life and high school kids." He went on:
Seriously, look, I don't mean to be ugly with you people, what? So, my producer from my show is in here, and he's just staring at me. Can't believe I said this. If you're a 30-something-year-old person, and you're making minimum wage, you've probably failed at life.
Notice what he didn't say. Erickson didn't say "If you're a liberal, or black, or gay, or a single mom, or Hispanic." He said "30-something-year-old person."  In other words, his comments apply to conservatives, too. Which begs the question: How many middle class or poor conservatives heard Erick Erickson's words, and while they were dressing for their minimum wage job, nodded their heads, and agreed?

Erick Erickson is not just a "conservative blogger." He is a frequent guest on Fox, he was a contributor to CNN, he runs a right-wing blog called Red State, and when he fills in for Limbaugh, his audience is in the millions. So, a lot of people pay attention to him, even when he's obviously insulting them. Conservative denial runs deep, however, and it stands to reason that poor right-wingers think Erickson was talking about someone else.

We've all been there. We've watched LGBT conservatives with our jaws in our laps, trying to figure out how a person can be LGBT and be part of a political party that wants to deny them basic rights. We've watched African American conservatives while pounding our heads on solid objects, listening to them deny the racism inherent in their party. Conservative "Christians," following a message of hate and intolerance. Conservative women, minimizing rape and domestic violence in droves.

Remember when Mitt Romney finally made his tax rate of 14.7% public? Our tax rate is 28% and we don't make anywhere near six figures, much less what Mitt Romney makes. We are solidly middle class, and our tax rate is double Romney's. You try explaining why that's wrong to a conservative. Go ahead. You know what you'll hear. Trickle down economics (here's a chart proving it doesn't work), the rich are job creators (nope), it's only "moochers" who don't pay taxes. Moochers, FYI, translates into liberals and minorities.

It's the same denial and disconnect that allows a conservative to despise abortion AND 55,000+ kids from South America, coming to the United States to escape war, violence, and poverty. The same denial and disconnect that allows most of the right wing to decry socialism as they cash their Social Security checks, and rely on Medicare. They scream for FEMA when disaster strikes, but don't want their tax dollars used on government programs. They hate anything that smacks of socialism, unless it's socialism that helps them. And I would bet that they want to abolish minimum wage, but not their minimum wage.

This is a topic I have written about, pondered, and questioned for years. How did the right wing convince people to vote against their own best interests? How do they keep doing it? Look at Mississippi. Poorest state in the country, and one of the most conservative. They hate President Obama, hate liberals, love the GOP. The same GOP that wants to do away with safety nets conservative Mississippians rely on every day to feed themselves and their families, go to the doctor, pay their rent. But try explaining that to them, and they'll argue with you until their lips fall off.

In all seriousness, what is it? How did the new and unimproved version of the GOP convince an entire demographic to destroy themselves? They've always been like this, the right wing: Reagan's mythical Welfare Queen, the Bush tax cuts, the rhetoric, and the bold-face lies. But have we ever seen so many poor and middle class people champion policies and politicians whose main goal is the destruction of the middle class and poor?

You and I both know there were conservatives, in their 30's and making minimum wage, who agreed with what Erick Erickson said. What I would like to know is how the conservative party-pundits and politicians-have managed to brainwash about half the population of the United States. I don't understand this at all.